Saturday, May 28, 2005

May The Force Kill Paris Hilton Before She Turns Me Gay

Star Wars: Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
2005, USA
George Lucas
35mm

First off, I’d like to promise right off the bat that there will be no Star Wars-geek based jokes. I figure, if the San Francisco Gate is taking shots the fans, perhaps it’s not the edgy material Jay Leno seems to think it is. Plus, if I use up all the jokes, the writers at The Daily Show and SNL’s Weekend Update might have to rehash some Michael Jackson jokes and make me kill myself. I get it. He’s weird. Please move on before I start molesting children just to draw attention away from the trial. Plus, as a Star Wars geek myself, there’s a few things I’d like to set straight. Firstly, we do get laid. Usually not in the line to get into Star Wars when we’re dressed up like Wookies, but it happens. Our money is just as good in the alley outside Club Wanda’s as the next guy’s, and there’s plenty of money floating in the IT sectors we inevitably work in that’s earmarked for the crevices of local strippers, so give us some credit. And secondly, we know the movies aren’t good. We’re are not surprised when they only win Oscars for Sound Editing or Special Achievements in Crane Effects or something. But we don’t go to these movies to see great dialogue or bravura performances. We don’t even go to see passable dialogue or performances that contain even one iota of plausibility that extends long enough for us to momentarily believe that the lines weren’t just learned phonetically by an actor with a mental disability. We don’t even go for the story, because since these are prequels, we know how they’re going to end up anyway, with ham-fisted overdrawn denouements. No, we go for what every geek at heart wants to see again and again: Kirk fighting Spock, to the tune of a pulsing Alexander Courage theme. Unfortunately, the latest in the Star Wars series does not satisfy in that regard. There is no Kirk, no Spock, and barely any McCoy, though I thought I was a glimpse of him in the last shot aboard the Enterprise when we’re looking at Deep Space Nine being constructed. Actually, I’m a little confused as to when this film takes place in the Star Wars universe. It appears, judging from the chaos and perpetual war, that it occurs before the establishment of the United Federation of Planets, but Scott Bakula and the rest of the cast of Enterprise are no where to be found. Normally, this would not be a problem, as hearing Bakula muddle through creaky exposition about Zephram Cochrane and early warp drive prototypes is about as interesting as watching Money Line with the volume off, but he would actually be a noted improvement on the computer generated performances in this movie. That said, the CGI is quite impressive, especially in the way that they’ve managed to replicated that guy from Shattered Glass almost perfectly, except apparently their program they were using didn’t have a ‘talent’ field that took any values higher than ‘crap’. The ships of the Federation look great, however, although they appear to have abandoned classic Trek designs in favour of what would happen if you let Xzibit work at NASA. Nevertheless, for all the film’s flaws, it maintains a fast pace and a sense of excitement throughout, especially towards the end, where you get to see the first Borg being created, and Ian McDiarmid turns into a Cardassian. They even have an all-too-brief battle scene on the Tribble home planet, where the large, furry Tribble ancestors battle early Data prototypes, presumably created by Dr. Noonian Sung even before Lore was built. All in all, despite my problems situating the film in the Star Wars chronology, I was thoroughly entertained, and I think Gene Roddenberry would have been proud.

Paris Hilton Carl’s Jr. Burger Commercial
2005, USA
Internet

Normally, I wouldn’t bother reviewing a commercial, but I’m just so happy I stumbled upon this ad while surfing the web looking to buy some hot sauce that I can kill my neighbour’s annoying cat with. Naturally, I’ve bookmarked the Carl’s Jr. site, because after all, where else on the internet can you find an unattractive skinny blond woman covering herself with fluid? This is opening up a whole new avenue of interest for me.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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4:54 AM  
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8:15 PM  
Anonymous JAMES QUEERBUGGER (NOT GAY) said...

i know this isn`t anything to do with revenge of the sith, (which i still hav`ent seen anyway), but there is just something i wanted to say about one of the other star wars films, namely "return of the jedi" which i still think (even 25 years on from it`s original release) is the most astonishing 2 hours of cinematic magic ever committed to celluloid, with the reactor chamber sequence still standing out as perhaps the most individually breathtaking moment ever witnessed in any film in the entire 119 year history of film since it`s invention in 1889, and yes, i still would very much like to bugger carrie fisher, you see i told you i was`nt gay i`ve just got a very silly name, (it is my real name believe it or not).

8:06 PM  

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