Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Vampire Nipples: Not As Sexy As They Sound

Eternal
2004, Canada
Wilhelm Liebenberg and Federico Sanchez
DVD

Normally, I’m a big fan of Canadian horror films. However, this can be a dicey proposition, as for every Ginger Snaps, there is a Decoys, and for every Rabid, there is a Ginger Snaps 2. But, every once in a while, my devotion to homegrown product pays off. This is not one of those times. This is one of those times when you wish DVD players could change audio tracks from 5.1 Dolby Digital Surround Sound to the Little Steven’s Underground Garage Radio Show, or something at least marginally informative or entertaining. As it stands, my copy of Eternal just has the one soundtrack, which unfortunately features the actual scripted dialogue of the movie, an experience roughly akin to listening to someone read a 14-year old goth kid’s poetry. The story takes place in Montreal, and features an English-speaking detective, which immediately lets you know that the screenplay was written by someone whose sole experience in Montreal probably involved driving up from Toronto and spending Labour Day weekend in Club Super Sex. Our hero detective loses his wife, whom he begins to suspect was eaten by Elizabeth Cane, a mysterious but beautiful blond woman who may or may not be Countess Elsbeth Bathory, a historical figure alternately described as a member of Polish royalty or a Hungarian vampire, depending upon which script doctor was tweaking the screenplay. Neither of these descriptions are true, of course. Bathory is, in fact, a hostile Swedish band that sound somewhat like a bunch of electrical appliances fighting in a garage, as well as a very cool Venom song. And Eternal is not, of course, a horror film. What it is, is soft-core porn, which is usually what you find when you peer too closely at a movie about female vampires. Not that I take issue with that, as I have no problem watching curvy European women doing something God would frown on, and I have even less of a problem if blood is involved, since that satisfies my misogyny as well as my libido. It’s just that I’m a busy fellow, and I have little time for soft lesbian titillation that doesn’t end with a dildo strapped to a power drill like in The Violation of Ashley Blue. Call me impatient, but if the film isn’t going to involve a lesbian gang-bang, then the girls might as well keep their tops on, and the producers can concentrate on getting together a script that works instead of taking turns on the casting couch. There’s a time and a place for nipples, and they don’t need to be getting between me and my vampires. They should stay where they belong, either peeking out from under a drunken Lindsay Lohan’s halter top, between the pages of Score, or on the Super Bowl halftime show.

1 Comments:

Anonymous the bethnal green tosser said...

i disagree about ginger snaps 2, and 3 for that matter, because i think they were both better than the original, which i thought was rather overated, however i also think that canadian films in general are hogwash, although the`re not as bad as british films which are the absolute scum of the earth.

5:26 AM  

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