Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I'm Off To Get An Art-Job From A Hooker.

The Brown Bunny
2003, USA
Vincent Gallo
DVD

First off, let met state that this movie is not for everybody. In fact, it’s not for anybody. I’ve finally found someone who hates movies as much as I do, but instead of dealing with that hostility by posting repetitively bitter rants on a website no one reads, Vincent Gallo made a film that no one likes. Except for me, and I’ll wear that badge proudly. This whole movie is a waste of time, your time, his time, and my time, but it’s deliberate, and I’d much rather share in the shortening of my lifeline with willing and knowing participants than by watching a frantic series of swirling camera movements and slow motion shots of marching astronauts. Armed with an obsolete 16mm camera, Gallo has made a movie about a lonely motorcycle racer who misses his girlfriend so much he drives across the United States and meets girls named after flowers. It all sounds vaguely lyrical, in theory, but only if you’re in the sixth grade and still writing poetry with rhyming couplets. The drive from New Hampshire to Los Angeles is presented, I believe, in real time, making the Brown Bunny a viewing experience not unlike watching three consecutive seasons of 24, only instead of working at the Counter Terrorism Unit, Jack Bauer is a chartered accountant taking a cross-country road trip with some very well-behaved children. It all culminates in an infamous scene where Chloe Sevigny gives Gallo an unsimulated blow job, which is shocking not because of its graphic content, but because it’s Chloe Sevigny. I will never, in all my life, recover from the mental scars incurred by seeing her without eyebrows in Gummo. For God’s sake, who would want to get head from Chloe Sevigny? How desperate for release do you have to be? I'd rather hump a dimple in a concrete wall than touch her. She looks like Corky from Life Goes On, only thinner. She looks like Teena Brandon. She looks like Juliette Lewis. Disgusting.

Chloe Sevigny after a night of binge drinking and heavy pastas.

What’s really bizarre is the polarized reaction this film has received. At Cannes, Roger Ebert famously remarked that this was the worst film in the festival’s history, to which Gallo responded by placing a hex on Ebert’s colon. The colon then became cancerous, proving my long running theory that Gallo is a witch. He even looks like a witch, or rather, he looks like Crispin Glover playing a witch. How else could one explain how the guy got famous? All he does is bitch in magazines about how many movies he has, and how he doesn’t watch them because movies are bad, and how he wants to make movies. So he's kind of like me, only with more facial hair, and people respond to him in ways that don’t advertise online dog training sites. People either love or hate this film, more the latter than the former. There doesn’t seem to be any middle ground, which is ridiculous, and evident of the circular publicity machine feeding itself. A movie gets a reputation for being terrible, then every second movie critic with a press pass and a David Bordwell textbook from college jumps on the bandwagon to see who can write the most scathing review and get picked up by internet search engines. Then, the other half of the critical pool simultaneously try to fill the void and make a name for themselves by giving the movie a glowingly positive review. Why can’t a movie just be alright, like this movie is, or just sort of bad, like this movie also is? I had the same problem with Gigli. I agree, the movie stank, but remember, it came out the same year as Seabiscuit, another ludicrously bad movie. In fact, I prefer Gigli to Seabiscuit, if only because half of that movie was Tobey MacGuire talking to a goddamn horse while I struggled not to fall asleep at 7 o’clock in the evening. If a movie has to feature an inanimate object so prominently, I’d prefer it to have tits and a latina ass.



The fine line between art and J-Lo's cheeks.

The Brown Bunny, then, is nowhere near a terrible movie, nor is it a masterpiece. It plays like an excellent student film. It screams graduate thesis from the top of its pot-smoke blackened lungs, through long, trance-like takes, and minimalist production values, no doubt due to millions skimmed off the top of the budget to pay for barbeque Fritos and X-Box games. And, like most student films, it’s almost unbearably pretentious and treads that fine line between incompetence and high art, like if you were to come across a red toilet in the Louvre and were unsure if it were a Picasso piece or evidence that one of the security guards has the Marburg Virus. It couldn’t be more student if it had a legal warning distancing it from the Tisch School of the Arts at the end of the film, or if it thanked Yasujiro Ozu in the credits. It’s slow, and boring, and tedious, but it builds a mood and atmosphere that layers depth over the seemingly dull proceedings, which is exactly what student filmmakers like to say when they’re trying to lay the lead actress. And, as evidenced by the last fifteen minutes of the film, it works like a charm.

6 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I don't know which has scarred me worse. Is it picturing Chloe giving a blowjob, Corky giving a blowjob or Crispin Glover playing a witch?

This is quickly becoming me favorite Blog!

7:33 AM  
Blogger Talya said...

Wait *jerk of all trades*, you have to start reading from the beggining. To know it is to love it.

Yeah, Mr. Karreau, we are talking about you as if you weren´t hearing... er... reading :*)

Great, now I just have *another* movie I have to watch...

Well done Mr. I´d rather watch a latina ass hahaha

(Did I already said I´m sorry about the terrible english and all? Well,I am)

9:21 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

The answer, Jerk, is Crispin Glover. With the previous two, you can always close your eyes and imagine Jessica Alba, unless Corky is moaning too much. With Glover, that image is going to burn into your retinas. And thanks for the compliment. This is also my favorite blog.

And Talya, there's no need to apologize for your English. You speak it, er, write it I guess, better than most people I know. Actually, I don't speak English at all myself, I just have an excellent stenographer who is capable of transforming my grimaces and scowls into words.

9:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I want head from Chloe Sevigny.

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Raul said...

What a load of crap. I think that if you hate movies so much is ridiculous to write about them. Also you are really gay, I want a head of Chloe Sevigny any day.
You just have to much free time, get a friggin life sucker.

12:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i love the part where she swallows his load. she could eat my cum any day

9:04 AM  

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