Thursday, September 08, 2005

Nowhere To Go But Up.

Killer Barbys Vs Dracula
2002, Spain
Jess Franco

There are a lot of things I could have done today. I could have worked on the screenplay for my next project, which by my producer’s count is already exactly 256 hours late. I could have signed an online petition protesting the death of Ted Kord, the Blue Beetle. I could have finished the computer program I’m running to try and mathematically determine exactly when it’ll be safe to make the first Hurricane Katrina joke. Instead, I watched the worst movie I have ever seen. Think about that for a moment. Not the procrastination, that’s par for the course. It stands to reason that someone who spends a significant amount of his day making 800 word posts about how he doesn’t like movies or race-mixing is an expert at avoiding productivity. But just think about the movies I’ve written about, the quantity, and the quality, in just three short months. Imagine that, but spread out over the last 2 decades of my corporeal existence. I saw xXx: State of the Union in theatres. I watched a video copy of Nightfall all the way through. I saw Catwoman. Twice. Then I bought it. And yet, I feel comfortable with my assertion that Killer Barbys Vs. Dracula is not only the worst film I’ve ever seen, it’s the worst film that’s ever been made. I pride myself on never, ever leaving a movie unfinished, no matter how terrible it is. And I’ve stuck to that, except for a brief slip during a theatrical screening of Species back in 1995. However, this particular set of moral principals has never been tested quite as sorely it was during the 86 minutes of this movie. It felt like swearing an oath of marital fidelity while living above a strip club, or staying 100 yards away from children at all times. Possible, and legally necessary in the case of the latter, but exceedingly difficult. I prevailed, but I’ve never tried so hard to busy myself on the couch while a movie has been playing. I did the crossword, both the New York Time version and my paper’s regular idiot puzzle, I triple checked the TV guide to make sure that the Apocalypse was indeed coming and a two-hour show about C-level celebrities ballroom dancing was in fact playing in a prime time slot, and I actually answered the phone, something I haven’t done in about 5 years. Nothing made the time go any faster and, as I feared, once I finished the movie I was not only angry, but sapped of all strength. Like Samson, hair shorn, or Radiohead without ProTools, I was powerless.

A waste of valuable Gigabytes.

First of all, they spelled the title of the movie wrong. How does this happen? And this is not just me being picky about grammar, which is a neat internet trick I’ve picked up that helps deflate other people’s written arguments without providing some of your own. Not only is “Barbys” an incorrect pluralization of “Barbie”, that’s not even how you spell the name of the bad rock band the movie is about. Do you know how I know that? Because a) I’ve heard of the band before, sadly, and b) they spell it correctly on posters in the movie. That’s right, not only could I barely finish the film, the guy who made it clearly didn’t get far enough into watching the final cut to accurately spell the title of the movie. If that isn’t representative of the complete ineptness of the people involved, on par with Homeland Security Secretary Chertoff calling Louisiana a city, I don’t know what is. I don’t want to tell you what this movie is about. Doing so would relive traumatic memories best left buried alongside the time I saw a prostitute throw up semen in an alley outside a bar, or when I accidentally saw Good Charlotte live. Suffice it to say that the movie was literally filmed on a video camera cheaper than the one I use to videotape the 40 year old lady across the street from me through her window while she drinks bottle after bottle of red wine and masturbates to work-out videos.


The film is directed by Jess Franco, who has made more movies in his career than I’ve taken breaths today, though it should be noted that I’ve taken a lot of sedatives to get over the shock of Jordis getting kicked off Rock Star INXS. Franco, a Spanish exploitation filmmaker, has acquire a bizarrely positive cult reputation over his many years of churning out cheap trash, despite the fact that none of his films are watchable. Mainly, this is due to the fact that his older films have titles that are vaguely recognizable to neo-horror punks who think that 50s and 60s schlock is cool just because every second Misfits song references a drive-in B movie. Sure, The Awful Dr. Orlof seems like it might be fun, and Vampyros Lesbos sounds like the kind of porno you can get away with renting by telling your girlfriend it’s a horror movie, but trust me, you don’t want to travel down that road. The path is long and tiresome, filled with creaky, muffled dialogue, visible boom-mikes, and bad day-for-night photography probably accomplished with a lens filter made from blue tissue paper. One has to be discerning in their choice of titillating camp. Your best bet is to avoid anything that’s trying to be campy, like Harry Knuckles films and anything that John Waters has ever even seen, and to focus entirely on films released by Harry Novak or anything sampled in a Mortician song. Either that, or go visit my neighbour with a bottle of Merlot and Buns of Steel.

And, in completely unrelated news, someone actually agrees with my Batman Begins review. Not that he read it, but it is proof positive that I'm not crazy, or if I am, so is The Savage Dragon.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

The WORST movie.....YOU'VE....EVER seen.


The worst EVER.

THIS movie.

Sweet fancy Moses!

Worse than that god (and Satan) awful Avengers flick with "Dude, your name is RALPH not Rafe, get over it!" Fiennes?

Worse than the entire Tom Clancy Filmography?

Worse than Corvette Summer?

I must find this movie.......I don't WANT to see it......I MUST see the "badness" (Barby-ness?) firsthand.

11:25 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

They killed Blue Beatle!!??!! Who is Booster Gold going to hang out with now and be a jackass with?

This is a bad day.

12:54 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Probably Guy Gardner. They both played football, so I guess they'd have a lot to talk about, aside from how long they're going to stay in continuity before ending up in that weird story limbo place from Animal Man.

And yes, Jerk, I say that with full confidence. Anything with money behind automatically gets pulled out of this running, because at least if something blows up, I can revert to a primal, pre-limbic brain state where my reptilian mind responds to loud noises, cat-suits, and Tom Clancy. And Corvette Summer isn't even the worst Mark Hamil movie. That honor goes to The Christmas Lamb.

3:18 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

The Christmas Lamb?

Never heard of it, maybe that's a good thing.

This blog is very educational.

Kids should read this instead of watching Reading Rainbow.

4:44 p.m.  
Anonymous pompino said...

It's not that the man doesn't know how to spell "barbies", it reads "barbys" to avoid legal action from the guys at Mattel, or wherever Barbie is from.

Your comments are SO funny... congratulations for your blog, blah, blah, but about this movie, you didn't catch a thing. Keep tryin'!

4:50 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

to the fucking dork who wasted several pages of web space and his own time to just diss a movie. You are unbelievably pathetic. Not only do you not mention the great master Jess Franco who made the movie, you barely refer to the movie at all. Try to do something useful with your life instead of complaining at the hard work and amazing art of others. You are never going to achieve one second of the greatness of any Franco film in your whole shitty fucking life!!!

3:08 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Temper, temper.

7:37 p.m.  
Anonymous FEELS LIKE I`M MADE OUTTA GINGERBREAD, A-HA MM-MM A-HA MM-MM, (yes that really is the name on my birth certificate). said...

mr. karreau i`d like to begin by saying that i`ve never seen killer barby`s vs dracula or that many other jess franco abominations, however i think i should tell you something that you might ultimately be glad to know, in this film is an actress called "lina romay", (wow, i`m getting a massive hard-on already), and although she is 48 here, (and there-fore 30 years past the peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability), it`s important to remember that in 2002 she had already been making films with franco for over 30 years since she was 15 or 16 and in 1973 when she 19 she appeared in one of franco`s films called "the female vampire", (although it does go by other titles, and has many different versions), this film like "killer barby`s vs dracula" and so many of franco`s other film`s is as you would expect an unwatchable abomination....well i say unwatchable but then again it does have the astonishing miss romay not as a middle aged woman, but rather at the peak of her voluptuousness, and i would advise you to seek this film out because even in this day and age of millions of graphic sexual images on the internet and on dvd there is still something truly breathtaking and magical about the scenes where you`re able to see right up lina`s unbelievable bum and see her incredible arsehole and twat in all their astounding glory, i`ve jerked off to those scenes literally hundreds of times, and i assure you, mr. karreau that if you`re able to get a complete uncut copy of "the female vampire" (circa 1973) you will be in masturbation heaven for weeks or perhaps months looking up lina`s incredible 19 year old arse, i`m not overstating this either, at her peak "lina romay" really was one of the greatest masturbation aids of all time, maybe even greater than "lorna maitland", I`M NOT KIDDIN`.

5:06 p.m.  

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