Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Firefly Marathon 1: Animal Mother vs Steve the Pirate.

OK, I get it. It’s a space western, like Oblivion, only without aliens or any interest on my part whatsoever. I thought it was going to be a little more subtle in its cross generic pollination, like a green cauliflower or something, but instead it’s a freakish mix of two wildly opposing styles that shouldn’t be together, like a fish with legs, or a black man with blue eyes. Apparently audiences don’t recognize Westerns unless someone hocks tobacco into a spittoon while the music does a bad Ennio Morricone impression, so all subtlety is thrown to the wind. I get it, Joss, you liked Wild Wild West, and like a 19 year old line cook with a tape copy of the first Intestinal Baalism demo, you’re proud that you’re the only one. However, having an interest in something extremely unpopular and idiosyncratic is cool for about ten seconds, until you get too into explaining the details of the Dukes of Hazard board game or your collection of Roy Rogers mugs. While I'm all for genre mixing, I’m going to guess that after 14 straight hours of this show, this nifty little premise will become as welcome as a herpes outbreak. My first foray into the series, the first few moments of my Firefly marathon, leads me to a few questions. Well, maybe just one, which is why I would want to watch a show about space cowboys. I can tell you why I wouldn’t want to watch a show about space cowboys, and that’s because I’ve already seen Space Cowboys. Actually, I do have few more questions.

1. Why is Adam Baldwin in this? Didn’t anyone see Gargantua?He’s not even a real Baldwin, which is weird enough in itself. That’s like pretending to be related to Joe Piscopo. The name’s recognizable, I supposed, but hearing it is immediately followed by downturned eyes and shame filled looks of pity.
2. Why did I see Gargantua?
3. Why does everyone talk like smarmy university students who think someone’s listening, so they amp up the pop-culture references to try and sound like David Spade?
4. Why is Joss Whedon so bad at action choreography? Every fight looks like the actors are playing on the mats in a high school drama class.
5. Why am I doing this?

This particular episode involves a train heist and the big juice monkey from The Program. Here, we learn that though lead character Mal is the head of Hole-In-The-Wall style gang of outlaws, he has a heart of gold, just like the hooker he’s traveling with. If he’s lucky, they’ll have kids that are worth triple the going rate on the baby black market. We also learn that one of the passengers he’s inexplicably carrying on board has a deep dark secret, which is probably that she’s an even worse actor than the guy who plays the pilot, who is I believe Steve The Pirate from Dodgeball. I’m on the edge of my seat to solve that mystery. See you in an hour.

Also, once I'm done with this live crap, I'm going to reverse the times to make for an easier reading experience.


Anonymous Rin's brother Robert said...

I'm so pleased I forgot I was going to join in with this.

1:26 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't watch this series after all.

4:57 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Just don't watch it all at once.

5:07 p.m.  

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