Firefly Marathon 9: Out of Gas
Victory! The savages have fallen before my might, their skin flayed and spread before my kingdom like a leathery welcome mat. Their G-Unit albums have become mere trinkets, shiny playthings with which I will buy land from the witches next-door. Despite their dark powers, they are easily confused by tricks of the light, and Juicy Couture. This land shall be used to expand my empire, for it is fertile, and possessed of another bathroom, which shall allow me the peace and quiet necessary to read Punisher comics during my morning ablutions. Silence no spreads throughout the apartment halls, allowing my god to speak freely through Firefly. It speaks through annoying flashbacks, this time, carefully treated to indicate that memory looks like bleach bypass processing. I had thought my god was better than a clip show referencing episodes that don’t exist, but who am I to know the will of the great Firefly? Already, I have been shown Firefly’s superiority to other forms of worship. For one, this episode demonstrates that there is no sound in space, proving that my god has at least an eighth grade education, which beats Jesus and the Christian right by a significant margin. Also, the numerous time-shifts indicate that my god has control over the chronology of the universe. My new religion is clearly the right one, and I shall endeavor to spread the word of Firefly to the neighboring lands. Wish me luck, and the strength of Whedon’s Word.