Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The Cream of the Crap.

In the spirit of my latest review, here are my top five favorite Alan Smithee films.

1. Hellraiser IV: Bloodline (really Kevin Yagher). There’s nothing scarier than an old bald man jumping out of a puzzle-cube like a withered jack-in-the-box. Oh wait, yes there is. Everything. It’s sort of a sad inevitability that every 80s horror series ends up in space at one time or another. The better ones make it into the double digits before they jump the stratosphere, but in this case, as in Leprechaun, it only took three sequels.

2. The Birds II: Land’s End (Rick Rosenthal). Sequels to Hitchcock films always work out well. Just ask Anthony Perkins! Or try to, because he went insane from poverty, typecasting, and AIDS! This one has Tippie Hedren from the original film, though bizarrely enough, she doesn’t play the same character.

3. Bloodsucking Pharaohs In Pittsburgh (Dean Tschetter). The title makes this film worth watching. Then the opening credits end, and gangrene sets in quickly.

4. Wadd: The Life and Times of John Holmes (Wesley Emerson). If I'm not mistaken, I’m pretty sure I saw this documentary as an extra feature on a DVD compilation of Johnny Wadd scenes. Imagine that. The film is played alongside looped clips of a guy in a sailor moustaches slapping around a track-marked woman and then jerking off over her unshaved genitals, and the director’s still ashamed of his work.

5. Catchfire (Dennis Hopper). Dennis Hopper didn’t actually disown this film, he just forgot that he made it. Understandable, since the guy still looks like he’s one rail of crystal short of bursting into flames.

Feel free to let me know what your top five are, or better yet, the top five films that should be Alan Smithee movies.


Anonymous Rin's brother Robert said...

The Green Mile

8:27 a.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

I liked the ending of The Green Mile.

But only because killing an innocent black man felt like justice.

5:14 p.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...



5:16 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Great. Now I don't get to see that terribly sappy movie I don't want to see. Wait, did I say 'get to'? Because I meant 'have to'. Spoil away, Rin. I think The Postman is a good candidate that should be an Alan Smithee movie, as would the entire Tony Scott ouevre.

6:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Rin's brother Robert said...

Hey, Rin, Ash: can we start a new Justice League and go round putting innocent black people down?

3:38 a.m.  

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