In Honor of Thumbsucker...
1. Cast a punk rock iconoclast in a lead role. They’re punk rockers because they can’t do anything else, including act or speak clearly. Plus, your insurance goes way up because they’re likely to go on a PCP binge and destroy a corner store looking for orange juice and white bread to make a hat.
2. Title it something long and retarded, like it’s a Propagandhi song or a run-on sentence in a bad term paper. If I get bored reading the title, I’m probably going to get bored watching your movie.
3. Spend more time working on the soundtrack than working on the script. Yeah, I get it, you hate the mainstream, music and film industries included. I read Said the Gramophone and Pitchfork Media too, and just because I know the name of the Sonic Youth B-Side you’re slapping over the poorly-written love scene doesn’t mean I’m going to like your movie. Plus, that jack-ass band no one’s ever heard of that did the song playing over the end credits? They just sold it to an Ipod commercial.
4. When people say ‘snappy’ dialogue, they do not mean awkward, overlong, and riddled with more pop-culture references than a dinner date with Kevin Smith. There’s a difference between the written word and the spoken one. If it looks good on paper, chances are it’s going to sound stupid in a film. I’m looking at you, Tarantino and related clones.
5. Put someone known as an indie-darling in a cameo. Chances are they’re an indie darling because they need drug money, so they’ll do anything for SAG scale and some free food. They probably won’t bother reading the script, and insist that their performance is better when improvised, at which point they will stumble through a half-remembered set of lines from a Noxema commercial and pass out on the boom mike operator.