Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Postcards From The Edge. Addressed To the Canada Council of the Arts.

Teen Knight
1998, Canada
Phil Comeau

Dear Canadian Film Industry,

I know things have been tough lately, what with Cronenberg moving to L.A. and Adam Beach taking some time off, but there’s no reason to give up. Oh, you haven’t given up? Sorry. That’s kind of embarrassing, like asking a fat woman when the baby’s due. It’s just that I’ve been watching some of your films lately, and they’ve been a little iffy, if you’ll pardon the profanity. Here’s a tip: If you have less money to shoot a film than you would need to buy a used car, don’t try to make an elaborate medieval sword and sorcery epic. Because you won’t be able to afford the word ‘elaborate’. You’ll just have to pick up the adjective ‘shoddy’ at the thrift store, and make do with a cast of complete unknowns and Monkey Ears from Ready or Not?. Plus, you’ll have to shoot in Romania, a country whose idea of production value is limited to changing the sheets twice while shooting cheap high-8 porn. Also, computer animated dragons? Not your strong suit. Just a thought,

Your friend,

Ash Karreau


Anonymous broadzilla said...

Gosh, Ash - where is everyone? You think maybe the Council is behind it?

8:28 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Nope. Just decreasing quality of writing coupled with increasingly obscure films.

10:07 a.m.  
Blogger Fatman said...

Quality of writing still good. Reading every day. Not posting comments because MY FREAKING ZOMBIE NOVEL IS NOT GOING WELL AND AM FRUSTRATED AT WORLD AND I'M STILL 35,000 WORDS BEHIND SCHEDULE AND THE DEADLINE IS FRIGGIN LOOMING and I'd be wasting precious words on the comments bit of a hate-filled Canadian film critic's blog instead of my own stuff. Yo Ash! Love ya stuff! I don't think it really matters how obscure the films are because your regular readers are probably so put off by the movie going experience that you may drive them to...I a book or something?

11:00 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, Ash - the internet is fickle and easily distracted.

Freaking Zombies? Fatman, that sounds ace...

11:12 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Thanks, both. It's good to know that some clearly funny people are bothering to read something that I wrote. Or rather, the computer hive mind I create to churn out formulaic attempts at shock humor wrote.

Fatman, do we get to read this zombie novel when it's done? I'm willing to lay my X-Men comics aside long enough to check out that and Gretchkal's romance novella.

11:20 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I think Fatman and Gretchkal should team up and try their hand at a Zombie Romance, like Dellamorte Dellamore, only with a credible male lead.

She thrilled to his icy embrace as he nuzzled her ear and whispered: "Braiiiins".

Props to both of them, though - I couldn't do it. (And I think I've just demonstrated why.)

12:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

I wish I didn't hate all comics and graphic novels, they're exactly the kind of thing I should love.

9:40 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Come on, even From Hell?

11:16 p.m.  
Blogger gretchkal said...

zombie romance, huh? my mind is racing. how can in incorporate this into my novel?

11:20 p.m.  
Blogger Fatman said...

From a hypothetical zombie/ romance pic:

Anna: (frustrated) I knew it! I knew Daddy wouldn't understand the attraction that I have for Keith!
Mum: Well, he is one of the living dead dear.
Dad: (in background) Mavis! Had me mah shotgun.
Anna: Keith is PERFECT for me! He's a star quarterback AND he's been accepted to Harvard.
Mum: He also ate Uncle Lester's brain last week.
Anna: Awwww. Don't YOU start too Ma!
Keith: Braaaaaaaaainnnnns.
Anna: It's alright baby. I knew my parents would never understand.

Or in an attempt to revive Rick Moranis' career we have Honey I Re-Animated the Kids...

Wayne Szalinski (Rick Mornais): remember in '89 how I shrunk the kids and in '92 I enlarged the baby?
Diane Szalinski (Marcia Strassman): (chortles) Oh what have you done to the kids this time dear?
Wayne Szalinski: I killed them. I killed them dead.

(there is an agonizing pause)

Diane Szalinski: Come again?
Wayne Szalinski:'s OKAY. The...I' put them back together. (coughs) Sort of.
Diane Szalinski: (sees kids for the first time)!
Wayne Szalinski: (laughs weakly) Heeeeheeehuhuh.

1:05 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I'd bring my entire family to see either of those, Fatman - but only if you include some gratuitous lawnmower violence in the final scene.

Gretchkal, 'Zombie Romance' neatly describes my last two relationships, so if you need any tips...

2:52 a.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

Especially From Hell.

2:15 p.m.  

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