Fornication Under Consent of The Kong.
King Kong (2005)
I apologize in advance for the brevity of this review. It’s just that King Kong is so goddamned long, I fear the Big Crunch is now upon us, entropy has begun, and we don’t have much time. Plus, every idiot fanboy on the net has already written a term paper’s worth of hyperbole and adverb-heavy praise for Peter Jackson’s remake of the great Merian Cooper/Ernest Shoedsack classic, so I’m just going to cut to the chase and get this done in point form so all you geeks can go back to masturbating over the Superman teaser.
Insert gay-themed Smallville joke here.
- The C.G.I is great, among the best I’ve seen. However, as is the case with most computer effects, there’s always one or two shots that blow the illusion and ruin the enjoyment of the rest of the sequence, like that part in Lesbian Bukkake when that girl accidentally takes a dump while squirting on Ashley Blue.
- Skull Island is very cool. Also, dinosaurs co-exit with people there, thus definitively proving the existence of god. A giant monkey god.
- Instead of fighting a tyrannosaur, King Kong fights three tyrannosauri. Ergo, this movie is three times better than the original.
- The long lost spider sequence from the original film has been replaced with a cut scene from the Centipedes video game. This does not appear to have been a good idea.
- While some things have been changed in the remake, thankfully the conflict of civilization versus nature has been maintained, as has the racism inherent in that equation. Monkeys are dark, savage, and from Africa. Therefore, they love white women.
- The biggest change is that the attraction Kong feels to Ann Darrow is reciprocated. This makes for a much more emotionally involving film, and a much creepier subtext. Isn't that how Catherine the Great died?
- In the course of their romance, the enormous monkey and the petite blonde go ice-skating in Central Park. I am not kidding. Then, they have a long engagement while Kong saves up to buy a ring, and live in a loft in Manhattan’s Greenwich village while Darrow takes acting classes and auditions for plays, but eventually they break-up when Kong starts up an affair with Faith Evans.
- Everyone in this movie still has a last name that starts with ‘D’. This is still annoying, but nowhere near as annoying as the constant ‘in-jokes’ referencing the original film. It’s like someone continually tapping you on the shoulder during X-Men and pointing out all the characters from the comics that have cameos.
- ‘Peter Jackson: Fantasy Filmmaker’ has a much better ring to it than ‘Peter Jackson: 1980s Duran Duran Music Video Director’. Please stop using cheap strobe effects to amplify the action scenes and plot beats.
- Kong gets into a fight with a street tram. I’m not sure if this is supposed to be funny, but it is.
- The last third of the film takes place in New York, and while this is incredibly important thematically, as it reverse the concept of civilization penetrating nature set up in the first part of the film, it still feels superfluous and unnecessary structurally. This is faithful to the original, though it shouldn’t be.
- Instead of being an adventurer, Jack Driscoll is a playwright, which is much more gay, but effectively emasculates him further in the face of Kong’s ranging bestial virility. He also looks like a Jewish toothpick. Thank you, Adrian Brody.
There. It’s done. Go back to your gushing. Just make sure you go to the bathroom first.