One Time, I Saw Jesus Eat 43 Kilograms of Raw Meat In One Sitting.
‘Tis the season to be jolly, and indoctrinate our children with socially regressive dogma, and The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe has arrived to bring the Christmas spirit gift-wrapped in Lord of the Rings wrapping paper. The fact that C.S. Lewis’ books are thinly veiled Biblical allegories has been making the rounds lately, which I find very interesting, having been a big fan of the novels as a child. I read each of them dozens of times, and if their intention was to bring children closer to Christ, I think Lewis must have mucked up his verb tenses or something along the way, because I ended up with more upside-down crosses on my arms than hairs on my chest. That may, however, be due to the fact that I read The Chronicles of Narnia before I read the Bible, so technically, to me the Good Book is a parable for The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe. Trying to lure kids to the fold with books might not be the best idea to begin with however, since most children like reading as much as they like rectal thermometers, so I guess the powers that be switched to a more popular medium, next to PSP. In a way, however, the film did save me, in that writing the review took me away from watch Save The Last Dance, which is the only thing on TV tonight and a sure path to blasphemy, devil-worship and miscegenation.
Screenwriter Andrew Adamson.
The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe gives us Narnia as a world in conflict between the forces of evil, embodied by the frigid White Witch and her hordes of hideous beasts, and the forces of good, lead by Jesus Lion Aslan and his army of all the cute animals from SPCA pamphlets. Jesus makes a good lion; noble, strong, and undeniable good, though I thought the scene where he constructed a parable about greed by eating 130 Kenyan construction workers was a bit of a stretch. Tilda Swinton gives a standout performance as the White Witch, which is par for the course for her. Swinton is a fine actress, and I wish her all the luck in chasing down the roles Cate Blanchette is too good for. She plays the White Witch as a cross between a Palaeolithic hag and a Victorian prude, and she seems quite at home with all the over-wrought dialogue about prophecies and epic battles and whatnot. Everything said in the film sounds like the lyrics to The Queen of Winter, Throned or some other Cradle of Filth song, which either makes the film significantly cooler, or the band significantly gayer. It’s most likely the former, since singer Dani Filth’s insistence of dressing like a goth Boy George has rendered it impossible to make Cradle of Filth any more gay. The film is long, but never really lags, except for one brief period where the filmmakers temporarily forget they’re making a fantasy film, not setting up a renaissance fair, and get sidetracked with archery targets and jousting and banners flapping in the wind for a good twenty minutes. The special effects however, leave a little to be desired, especially some of the computer graphics. I realize that CGI is necessary to achieve certain things, but films like The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy have shown us that much can be achieved with practical work, without making The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe feel like playing the Jesus Christ video game. Not that that’s a bad idea. Make it compatible with online play, and I might be a new convert to the flock.