Sunday, January 29, 2006

It's Like Blade With Tits! Wait, That's Star Jones.

Underworld Evolution
2006, USA
Len Wiseman
35mm

I feel stupid. I feel stupid because this movie is made for pre-adolescents, and I can’t figure out what the hell is going on. I had this same problem with the first film, but I kept it under wraps for fear of looking like an idiot. But, judging from the crowd at the screening I attended, admitting my confusion would only embarrass me in front of people who had to get driven to the theatre by their parents. Still, it’s frustrating and shameful, like buying Coles notes for Curious George or finally realising at age 25 that Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and The Alphabet Song have the same tune.

It's not rocket science. It's a fucking monkey holding a rabbit.

At this point, I’m not even sure if it’s the movie’s fault or mine that I’m confused. It seemed to me that absolutely nothing in the movie made sense on its own, let alone in the context of the previous film. Underworld Evolution's internal consistency is so poor, the plot will often contradict itself within the same scene. I’m not even sure where the movie takes place, and I’m not convinced the filmmakers do either. Characters spout nonsensical and overly complicated occult mythology, like they’re reading from half a Werewolf: The Apocalypse rule book, stuff that seems to go directly against what was established in the first film. One of the characters, played by Scott Speedman, is the first hybrid werewolf/vampire, the product of the type of cross-species breeding that produces mules and good golfers. Except that he’s not the first hybrid, apparently, because they start calling the main villain in the film a hybrid fairly quickly before forgetting about it and concentrating on more variable speed gunfights. Which is another element that doesn’t make much sense, since guns don’t apparently seem to do much damage to either vampires or werewolves, and appear to serve no purpose other than to look cool in slow motion until a character gets close enough to either stab or punch a creature to death. But hey, maybe it's just me.

Go back and re-read the last paragraph if you're confused.

But all this is beside the point, and we all know it, because nobody’s going to this movie for the plot. They’re going because they’re too young for strip clubs and their mom moved the computer into the kitchen after discovering a cache of cheerleader upskirt shots on the hard drive, and the 14-year old boys of the world need something to spank off to that isn’t their sisters’ underwear. So, we get Kate Beckinsale in what appears to be a full body leather corset, and some marvellously out-of-place semi-nude scenes straight out of a pre-9 PM Cinemax movie. But I take pity on these kids, I really do. It’s hard to get your hands on money when you’re that young, and to waste a week’s allowance on poorly thought out crap like this is a shame. Since, however, I’m a helpful guy, I’ve come up with a quick list of inexpensive things to masturbate to that aren’t stupid Kate Beckinsale movies.

1) Tampon commercials. Hot women, blood, and possibly the word “insertion”. It’s every male teen’s wet dream, and probably a warning sign for sociopathy.

That's a sexy hand, too.

2) The Late Show With David Letterman: Humour is sexy, plus if you’re not wearing your glasses that gap is his teeth can make him look like Belladonna.

It must be hard to do a top 10 list with a dick in your mouth.

3) Photos of dismembered Filipina women from the 1920s. Don’t worry, it’s not sick. The Motion Picture Association of America has long since decided that horrifically graphic violence is much safer for children that the merest mention of sex, plus if you get the right shot you can catch a nipple.

That's some fine, dead side boob.


There you have it: Three things that are more interesting to fantasize about than the admittedly cool action scenes in Underworld Evolution. But while director Len Wiseman was focusing on crafting fight choreogaphy around energetic point of view camera work and artful shot construction, you'll be focusing on frantically masturabting to old Southeast Asian corpses. Or fresh ones. I'm sure the Phillipines needs the tourism.

15 Comments:

Blogger Fatman said...

This was a nothing film. The action was mundane, there were plot holes a-plenty (I was going to go on a swiss cheese analogy there but realised that it's a pretty tired cliche by now) and what's the deal with the Derek Jakobi character? His presense was incredibly hard to swallow (again I was tempted to say swiss cheese but I know I should stop trying to be witty when hungover) to say the least. Masturbating to photos of dismembered Filipinas huh? Congratulations on achieving a new low.

1:25 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

You're a sick, sick man.
Keep up the good work.

7:32 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Thanks, Fatman and Jerk. Heaven forbid I get stuck in a rut.

I actually enjoyed the action in this film, more than the first, but for god's sake they must have somebody that proofreads these scripts, right? That's a job, isn't it? Somewhere?

8:51 AM  
Anonymous Danielle said...

Oh God, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and The Alphabet song DO have the same tune!

Neato.

And I'm 36.

10:32 PM  
Blogger nijaz said...

Film-making as an art is going to be like the dodo. Business economics dictates movies, and hence there is no rational relation to the crapiness of a movie to its long stint in the charts, and unless that changes, the 16mm shrine is going to belt out stupendous anecdotes i'm sure even the film-makers would fail to comprehend.

On the other hand it's frustrating for me to comment on the movies (release is delayed by atleast a month), because I live in that part of the world, if at night i wore the national dress and roamed around in your part of town you would misunderstand me for a ghost munching on a cheeseburger(middle east).

But the good news is, dude your here to stay!!(in the digital world atleast)

5:46 AM  
Blogger nijaz said...

* not to comment on the movies (line 8)

5:48 AM  
Anonymous jma said...

Don't forget "Bah Bah Black Sheep". Same song, third verse.

Thanks for the images. Some things can't be unseen, you know.

8:54 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Nijaz - thanks for the compliments. If only I were here to stay. As most can tell, I am rapidly running out of steam, and this movie a day thing is beginning to make me cranky. And I don't even know if there's a relationship with a movie's crappiness and it's success. I still don't understand why movies like Transporter 2 do well while films like Stealth bomb (aside from the pun-friendly irony, of course), when they're clearly equally stupid.

jma - you just blew my mind. Bah Bah Black Sheep indeed. And you're welcome.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Damn, I feel stupid. I never realized that about Twinkle and Alphabet. At least I'm under 25.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Oh, and the first Underworld was terrible. I applaud your bravery in seeing the new one. Way to take one for the team.

12:32 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Actually, by my count, I've taken about 191 for the team since May.

1:46 PM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Correction: Way to take one more for the team. You are a true survivor.

8:52 PM  
Anonymous a regular guy who really really hates vampires said...

thanks for the review, ash! you're a godsend (satanism aside) i would never have guessed in a million years that this movie had any nudity whatsoever. i'm looking forward to revisiting my junior high school years while i slip that dvd into the machine, press FF, and then pause, reveling in the feeling of naughtiness while my wife and child are sleeping in the next room. and thanks to you, my late fee on it will magically disappear!!!

10:39 PM  
Anonymous charlotte said...

i thought underworld evolution was great i cant believe u couldnt understand it! it had everything u want in a movie action great effects (tho they could have designed better werewolves)romance and blood and gore. The plot was good and a nice insight to the characters lives.
Granted it was better than the first underworld.

4:56 PM  
Anonymous A PROFESSIONAL FART-ARSE said...

I WANT TO BUM-OFF KATE BECKINSALE.

5:37 AM  

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