Saturday, January 14, 2006

NAMGLA Forever.

Hide and Seek
2005, USA
John Polson

There are movies you watch, and movies you experience. Then, there are movies you read a comic book during. I like to call this last category of film “Robert De Niro movies”. Personally, I like to read recent Chris Claremont-penned Uncanny X-Men comics while I ignore De Niro’s work, since the half-retarded films mix with the three-quarters retarded comic books to make a relatively diverting two hours, or one and a quarter retards. And before anyone gets all huffy, I do acknowledge that De Niro has a body of work in his past that would put most actors to shame, but the sheer weight of lame scripts, distracted performances and awful, awful comedies that marked his declining years manage to make even the most fawning critics forget The Deer Hunter. And once the scathing reviews of Flawless killed the original actor, the De Niro simulacrum stewed in earthen pots stuffed with manure and herbs carried on disgracing his legacy, never able to shed the stench of compost that marked his unbirth.

Man, or Monster?

Hide And Seek has no redeeming features, save perhaps Dakota Fanning. It’s not that she’s particularly good in the film, it’s just that she’s supposed to be mentally ill, which the make-up department apparently took as license to make her look like a blond Wednesday Addams. Hot. I think I finally understand where pedophilia comes from. It’s not so much an attraction to children as it is an appreciation of how attractive the child will be when they grow up, coupled with a fear that once they do, you won’t be able to overpower them. It doesn’t make it OK, but at least I learned something from the movie.

Problem is, she likes the roofies.

Continuing on with the sex references, Hide and Seek is limp and useless. A ‘thriller’ about a psychiatrist who loses his wife, then moves to the country with his increasingly unstable daughter, the movie was filmed with four alternate endings that could be seamlessly integrated into the film. I mention this not in passing, but rather as evidence of the movie’s flawed structure. A mystery that’s so non-committal and vague any ending can be slapped on is one that has not been well thought out. You can’t just swap the final third of a film out like a drill bit and expect it to make sense. This is a narrative, not a Choose Your Own Adventure book for pre-teens learning recreational reading. Doing this renders the film meaningless, and without a point, like a joke without a punch-line, or a review without a point.


Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Wow, that multiple endings thing is pretty terrible. Do you know if they ended up choosing one through preview screenings?

Also, Chris Claremont is terrible. I don't know why Marvel still allows him to write anything.

8:18 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I don't know about preview screenings. I try and pretend they don't exist.

As for Chris Claremont, I cannot believe that how bad he is. I don't think I could write that badly if I tried, and this website is evidence that I do. I appreciate all that he did for the X-Men in the late 70s and 80s, but the man is either senile or has been replaced by his grandson. He's like the De Niro of Marvel.

9:36 p.m.  
Anonymous Muttley said...

Hey... multiple endings... De Niro...

Just like the worst turd to be shown on screen, the godawful Godsend

7:40 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I'd almost forgotten Godsend. Thanks for reminding me. Now you can bring up my cat dying and my day will be completely ruined.

I tried to visit your website, Muttley, but you seem to have accidentally written in it foreign.

8:56 a.m.  
Anonymous muttley said...

Well, you can always try the altavista translator for hours and hours fun with bad translations.

Anyway I'm not writing very often; maybe you'd like the videos of the Lowlands rock festival I linked in the front page.

BTW going to add a link to your blog soon.

11:13 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Please do. It will be reciprocated. Altavista, by the way, is why I mis-translated "archivo dell'odio" in the first place. Without that, we would never have met, I would have never had the chance to slur Italians.

8:54 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why is it that NAMBLA still has a sight, but NAMGLA doesn't? are there members of NAMBLA in the FBI? sorry, know this doesn't belong here, but couldn't find any other blogs for either of these filthy subjects.

1:29 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

correction of previous statement:

sight should be site

1:30 p.m.  
Anonymous the flippant little turd said...

do you really think anybody in the world gives a hoot in hell about a spelling mistake that you made in one of your comments, you ludicrous fart.

4:16 a.m.  
Anonymous ash karreau said...

yes, and a helluva` lot more than they do about any of the comments that you make, you flippant little turd.

2:29 p.m.  

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