Tuesday, January 03, 2006

No, I Will Not Call This Piece 'Bareback Mountain'.

Brokeback Mountain
2005, USA
Ang Lee
35mm

I hate this movie. Which is a shame, because it’s really quite good. I just hate everything surrounding this movie: the hype, the backlash, the guilty erection followed by hurried masturbation in a Famous Players toilet stall followed by forcibly asserting heterosexual maleness by date-raping an underage girl at a university pub.

More easy chicks than an abortion clinic.

I hate that people are calling this a “gay Western”. Brokeback Mountain is not a Western. This is made evident in the first frame of the film, by the first frame of the film. Instead of gracing us with an anamorphic panorama of sagebrush country, it gives us a squat, almost full frame image entirely antithetical to the Western genre. The fact that it’s got guys in cowboy hats makes it about as Western as a Kenny Chesney concert, only somehow less gay.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Wait, yes, there is. Country music.

I hate that the title of this film is so easily punned into the name of a porno film, and I hate that so many people feel this gives them license to do so. I haven’t been so annoyed with a film title since What Dreams May Come. When this comes out on DVD, some poor video store clerk is going to blow his brains out when a smart-ass client asks for this and “Meet The Fuckers” in the same sentence.

I hate that there’s a redneck backlash against this movie, so much so that Larry David feels the need to write some preening article mocking homophobia, making the internet rounds like the Chronicles of Narnia rap. It’s not even a funny article, it’s just that people get him confused with George Costanza, so they think they’d better laugh or else they’ll get kicked out of the Seinfeld club and have nothing to quote in the office on Friday morning.

Curb Your Everything, Because You're Not Goddamned Funny.

I hate that Brokeback Mountain is causing legions of straight people across American to say things like “I’ve got nothing against the gays, but I just don’t get why they have to rub it in our faces all the time” like that’s not the third stupidest thing in the world to say, after “It’s like deja-vu all over again” and anything that involves the phrase “war on terror”. It’s “terrorism”, you fucking illiterates. Anyway, if they get to say that, then I get to say I’ve got nothing against black people, I just don’t see why we let them be on TV. Or mate.

I hate that this movie is going to win all kinds of awards not because it’s a masterfully minimalist story about two men caught up in something they barely understand, yet cannot avoid, but rather because everyone in Hollywood has sucked cock for a movie job and need to see it validated.

And now I need to use the toilet stall again.

12 Comments:

Blogger jim pinto said...

ash.

i'm reviewing flicks too.

but, not as well as you are.

http://top400.blogspot.com/

1:10 AM  
Blogger Fatman said...

Was there any man-on-bovine sex in this film?

1:45 AM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

It really was a great flick.

6:20 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Jim - You like the movies you're reviewing. Where's the fun in that? And Jesus, I can't even pick my favorite shirt, let alone select and order my 400 favorite films.

Fatman - No. Sadly, the Christian right's assertian that legalizing gay marriage will lead to graphic bestiality in prime time television, G-rated feature films, and public schools has yet to be proven.

Sam - Yes, it was. I wasn't really expecting it to live up to the hype, and it didn't, it was just good in a different, less gimicky way, so it's a shame it's being overshadowed by the gimick.

9:04 AM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Interesting that you bring that up, Fatman - it's a little-known fact that South African school kids are required to memorise jokes about Australians having congress with sheep (you know, Outback), along with the National Anthem. Presumably to offset the crushing realisation in later years that your lot are better at sport and more attractive than we are.

Out of (sincere) respect for your zombie-lit credentials and the high moral standards set by this website, I'll refrain from repeating any.

3:19 AM  
Blogger Scootmaroo said...

Gee Ash, did you link me or did the link just spontaneously appear? If not, thanks. I am honored.....

Scootmaroo

9:55 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Don't thank me, thank the magic of the internet. The dark, dark magic.

12:11 AM  
Blogger batturtle said...

This is the 4th best gay cowboy movie I've ever seen. After 'Butch & Sundance', 'Young Guns II' and 'Young Guns'.

11:19 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

now hear this, American Movie going public:

You are suckers!

1)Somebody wrote a ho hum script about 2 Lesbians living in New York

2)It was pitched to a studio exec

3)He/She said, it's been done 1000 times, toss it

4) then He/She said wait a minute, change it to 2 guys and put cowboy hats on them

5) 2 men in love in cowboy hats + same old tired love story script - millions of ticket buyers watching the same film plot over and over

10:09 PM  
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12:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Brokeback Mountain," originally rated L by the United States Conference of
Catholic Bishops, has been reclassified as an O after several pro-family
organizations expressed concern after they witnessed two horny gay twinks
engaging in explicit gay sex on the range but what they really saw was
as an implicit endorsement of the USCCB film critic to the controversial gay western.

Brokeback Mountain is the story of two sheep-herding cowboys in Wyoming who begin
a homosexual relationship on the range in the 1960s, and continue their affair even
after they marry women.


In the original comment posted on the USCCB's website, the teen gay latin boys
confirmed that the Catholic Church "makes a distinction between homosexual
orientation and activity," and that "Ennis and Jack's continuing physical
relationship is morally problematic."

"While the actions taken by Ennis and Jack cannot be endorsed, the universal themes
of love and loss ring true," said the original USCCB's review, which also called
the movie "a serious contemplation of loneliness and connection."

Looked at from the point of view of the need for love which everyone feels but few
people can articulate, the plight of these guys is easy to understand while their
way of dealing with the issue of gay twinks fucking it is likely to surprise and shock an audience,
the original USCCB review said.

Brokeback is the ‘Perfect Storm’ of Hollywood’s war on morality,director of Concerned
Women for America’s (CWA’s) Culture & Family Institute. It combines high production
values with a lowdown attack on morality. It’s a mockery of the Western genre embodied
by every movie cowboy from John Wayne to Gene Autry to Kevin Costner. I can’t think
of a more effective way to annoy and alienate most movie-going Americans than to show
two twinks pissing on each other on camera.

6:31 PM  
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7:22 PM  

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