Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Reversal Of Sarcasm.

Match Point
2005, USA
Woody Allen
35mm

Dear Woody Allen,

I take back everything I ever said about you. I’m sorry I called you a one-trick pony, a comedy hack who plays the same note over and over again like an autistic kid learning the recorder. I’m sorry I criticized your insistence on putting the same character in the same movie time and time again. And I’m so, so very sorry I encouraged you to do something different. I lie before you, humbled, begging your forgiveness, and ask that you allow me to offer the following suggestions to make amends for my unforgivably bad advice in the past.

Please, do not make films that aren’t comedies. Going to you for a thriller is like getting a vasectomy from a vet. It doesn’t get the job done, and I’m left scarred and impotent.

Please do not give the lead in your film to someone who looks like a sex-offender. And if you must, please do not instruct him to act like one.

Please remember that a great ending will not make me forget how horrible the first 90 minutes are. Like getting a handjob from your grandmother, the end does not justify the means.

Scarlett Johansson cannot act. This is not a suggestion.

Thank you for your time, and I hope that we can continue our relationship in the future, by putting the matter of Match Point behind us. Sincerely,

Ash Karreau.

5 Comments:

Blogger Eldon T said...

I don't like movies.

I hate television.

During Y2K I bought a hand crank radio/flashlight and stockpiled food and water, not to mention extra ammuntion in case my starving neighbors came looking for a handout after they realized that they had failed to prepare for Armageddon.

I once thought that stickers on the back of highway signs were an elaborate signaling system to direct U.N. troops to key military and governmental sites as they commenced their invasion of America.

I had to alter the above worldview when 1) I realized that the U.N. has no army, and 2) If they did, why wouldn't they just read the front of the signs which had handy distances, names, and directions to the closest McDonalds.

Just a note to let you know the fringe elements that your website attracts.

1:53 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Eldon, sounds like I've got some literature you might me interested in. The boys and I are having a little get together and sing-along down at the bunker this weekend. You should come. Do you know any German songs?

8:52 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Scarlett can't act?

This is important because.....

8:53 AM  
Blogger Cambel said...

Love the blog. Blogs like this are the reason sarcasm was invented...well for blogs like this and for thanking the person at Starbucs effusivly when they finally get your order right after three tries. Not sure whats so hard about "Coffee, large"

12:16 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Thanks, cambel. To be fair, the stupidity at Starbucks is what you get for drinking coffee. At the prices they're charging, speed is cheaper.

8:50 AM  

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