A Reversal Of Sarcasm.
Dear Woody Allen,
I take back everything I ever said about you. I’m sorry I called you a one-trick pony, a comedy hack who plays the same note over and over again like an autistic kid learning the recorder. I’m sorry I criticized your insistence on putting the same character in the same movie time and time again. And I’m so, so very sorry I encouraged you to do something different. I lie before you, humbled, begging your forgiveness, and ask that you allow me to offer the following suggestions to make amends for my unforgivably bad advice in the past.
Please, do not make films that aren’t comedies. Going to you for a thriller is like getting a vasectomy from a vet. It doesn’t get the job done, and I’m left scarred and impotent.
Please do not give the lead in your film to someone who looks like a sex-offender. And if you must, please do not instruct him to act like one.
Please remember that a great ending will not make me forget how horrible the first 90 minutes are. Like getting a handjob from your grandmother, the end does not justify the means.
Scarlett Johansson cannot act. This is not a suggestion.
Thank you for your time, and I hope that we can continue our relationship in the future, by putting the matter of Match Point behind us. Sincerely,