Thursday, January 05, 2006

See Dick Suck.

Fun With Dick And Jane
2005, USA
Dean Parisot
35mm

I hate Jim Carrey. Not only is he unfunny, he’s unfunny in a colossal way. Not for Carrey is the awkward, stilted unfunny of Ben Stiller, nor the boorish, brash unfunny of Jim Belushi. No, always the over-achiever, Carrey has elevated unfunny to super-heroic levels, and his hellishly rubbery features are but one testament to his inhuman abilities. It’s like he got bombarded by the same cosmic storm that mutated Mr. Fantastic, only the space rays also gave him a tumor nestled above the temporal lobe, one that applies pressure in just the right way to make everything he does seem like a sick mockery of human existence. When he’s trying to make us laugh, all he can do is thrust his pelvis like a hyperactive satyr and warp his face into a mess of melted wax. When he’s trying to be dramatic, it’s even worse. Ever expression, every word, is like a hideously imperfect copy of the way people act, like Invasion of the Body Snatchers or The Simple Life. I’ll admit that I was as enamored as the rest of the world with the first Ace Ventura film, when Carrey burst onto the scene as a manic comic genius, but then I stopped being 12, and it became apparent that he’s a double agent, working to destroy comedy from the inside until all we have left to remind us of what it was like to laugh are reruns of The Hilarious House of Frightenstein and Alan Sherman LPs. But I don’t want to harp on Carrey, too much, since I think the great Michael J. Nelson has already written a book about- have you ever seen the man accept an award? It’s a travesty, each and every time. He’s always wearing bad zit make-up or using a stupid voice or speaking out of his anus or something, as if his mother’s idea of pre-natal care was piping Nick At Night into the womb. I don’t want to overstate the matter, but everything that is wrong with the world begins and ends with Jim Carrey. He makes Hitler look funny, and that's something not even Charlie Chaplin could do.

We'll look back on it and forget to laugh.

Sorry. I just had to get that out of my system. The problem with Fun With Dick and Jane, aside from Carrey, is that it never decides what type of comedy it wants to be. Carrey plays Dick, a high-powered executive who has just been given a promotion when his company goes bankrupt in an Enron-type scandal. Unemployable and broke, Dick must turn to a life of crime, accompanied by his hatchet-faced wife, Tea Leoni. The film vacillates wildly between an attempt at satire and what appears to be offspring of screenwriting software, an 11 year old, and an ounce of cocaine. Leoni and Carrey seem to be outracing each other to a stimulant-induced heart attack, and therein lies the film’s main problem. Fun With Dick and Jane would have us believe it’s a Juvenalian satire of corporate culture and white-collar crime, but the only ones acting like idiots are our main characters. It’s a baffling and fatal misstep in the film, and one that would sink it even if it weren’t cast with rubbery Autons stuck in fifth gear.

No more blood for petroleum-based-product-life-forms!

It’s strange to find a film so absolutely devoid of a saving grave. Add to that the fact that it’s a remake of another painfully unfunny film, and you end up with a movie that’s actually insulting, not just annoying. Which is, I’m beginning to be convinced, is all part of Carrey’s master plan. First, the death of comedy. The human race, unable to laugh, seeks solace in weepy and obvious stories of the human condition. Then, The Truman Show 2. God help us all.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Je Suis said...

You overstated the case.

11:08 PM  
Anonymous Rin said...

You understated the case.

11:24 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I think I went too easy on the guy.

11:34 PM  
Blogger gretchkal said...

and here i thought i was the only person alive who despised mr. carrey and rubbery face. glad to learn it's not just me ...

8:54 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

You're not alone. In fact, some friends of mine and I have a bit of a club that meets to discuss how much we hate Jim Carrey, among others. We get together every long weekend at the bunker, where we have leadership games, team-building excercises, and weapons training. We're also not too fond of the Jews. What kind of last name is "kal", anyway?

10:44 AM  
Blogger gretchkal said...

it's kalhust, not kal ... and, technically, it's a totally american name. one of those screwy ellis island things you hear about from time to time. not sure what the family name originally was and not positive where my husband's family is from. my family is german though, if that really matters ...

8:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ash! You've gone too far. You know you are not supposed/allowed to use the "J" word on the internet
anymore. Your case is still pending.

Oh, and Gretchkal, you will find
that German ancestry really does matter on this blog.

On a non-hate crime related matter I invite everyone who is into something unusual to check out a neat site I hear Ash likes. It has everything from celebrity paintings, to strange musings, to a Law and Order colouring book.

Enjoy.

www.brandonbird.com/highsea.html

6:28 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yeah, Mr. Bird is my favorite artist, because one of his paintings has an octopus fighting a sperm whale fighting a T-Rex, which reminds me of my prom.

And, to be fair, it's specifically German Protestant ancestry.

7:13 PM  
Anonymous JERVAISE BROOKE HAMSTER. said...

has anyone noticed how murderously unfunny jim carrey is, he is a ludicrous embarressment to himself and to everyone else in the world, i dont think he should be killed, but i do think he should be stopped from making anymore films ever again, he is (to quote samuel pepys) "AN ABSURD FART OF THE LOWEST ORDER"

9:15 PM  

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