Thursday, January 19, 2006

Top 3 Pedophile Jokes Of The Year.

People keep asking me why I didn’t do a ‘best of’ list for 2005. Or they would, if I hadn’t set a precedent of only replying to emails with profanity. They would also probably ask me 1) where I live (Donnacona Correctional Facility), 2) what I do for a living (laundry), and 3) where I get off (inside children, which explains #1). The answer to why I didn’t do a list, however, is complicated. Mainly, it’s because I didn’t want to end up on Non Stuff’s Cunt List”, but at least some of it has to do with the fact that in the December – January period, the internet gets clogged with year-end lists written by assholes with more opinions than brain-cells, and I figure that even just one more might crash something and hinder my access to kiddie-porn. And all the lists are the goddamn same, anyway. Even when you filter out the idiots, pretentious masters students, and Roger Ebert, you’ve still got a quarter million people telling you to see Crash.

Why think for yourself when can do it for you?

But there’s a reason that the only original thing film critics can do this time of year is invert the rankings of Capote and Brokeback Mountain on their top 10 lists. It’s been said that film criticism is a subjective art, but that’s not true. A good film is a good film, regardless of whether you’re smart, artistic, or Peter Travers. The trouble lies in the fact that some have trouble distinguishing between a film that’s good and a film they like. It’s possible to like a film that isn’t any good, like Fantastic Four, and to dislike a film that is, like anything Jim Jarmusch has ever thought about making. People tend to confuse their subjective feelings with objective judgements. There’s a difference between appreciation of art, and one’s taste. That’s why the Internet Movie Database discussion boards are crammed with people arguing over Catwoman, because taste is subjective. Well, that and we don’t sterilize the retarded.

A purrrfect argument for eugenics.

So, maybe I could tell you what I thought the best films of the year were, but it wouldn’t be interesting. As contrary as I am, they’re not terribly different from what other intelligent people pick. What I can do, however, is give a list of the worst films made in 2005, or at least the worst films I’ve reviewed. There is no subjectivity here, no conjecture, just cold, hard fact.

1) Cinderella Man. I’ve watched this movie a hundred times before, and I’ve only seen it once. Cinderella Man was not directed by Ron Howard, it was made by a construction crew assembling a film from the building blocks of other boxing movies, with a tough but fair foreman whom allows no deviation from the blueprints. For some reason, this film is incredibly popular with conservative critics. I guess there’s something uniquely American about a brawny man of Irish descent beating the crap out of a Jew.

2) The Transporter 2. It’s like The Magic Schoolbus, only the driver’s a bullet-headed limey with a Clint Eastwood fetish. Nothing makes any sense, least of all the decision to make a sequel to a stupid movie no one liked in the first place.

3) Flightplan. The Lady Vanishes is a great movie. The Lady Vanishes on a plane is a somewhat less great movie. The Lady Vanishes on a plane with an ending like a bad improv sketch is a very much not great movie. It’s as if they made the last third of the film up on the spot; the film version of that horrible Black Eyed Peas song about “lady lumps”.

4) The Devil’s Rejects. If a guy working at a gas station ever took enough Ritalin to sit down and write a film script, this is what he would come up with. Pointless cruelty and lots of boob, and everybody has a cool name from a Marx Brothers movie. Through in some Roadrunner cartoons and Jimmy Kimmel’s head would explode.

5) The Wedding Crashers. They didn’t bother to write this painfully ad-libbed movie, so I’m not going to bother writing this joke. Lazy, lazy filmmaking, like an essay without a thesis, or an article without a conclusion.


Blogger batturtle said...

Why is there a picture of a comic book here? Isn't this a movie review website?

1:13 a.m.  

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