Fairy Tale Theatre.
What the hell? This thing is still playing? I thought I finished watching this yesterday. I suppose the ashes of time have yet to finish smoldering, so Peter Jackson must still be continuing his quest to make a movie longer than a Moebius strip. In this installment of the story of infinity, Frodo Baggins continues to mope around and wander like a puppy with a concussion, Gandalf says a great many things very regally despite having died in the first film, and Viggo Mortenson looks gruff a lot, like a Marlboro Man obsessed with role-playing games. Orlando Bloom is one of the toughest, most bad-ass women I’ve seen since Ripley in Aliens, and I applaud the US government’s decision to use both him and anti-trust legislation to break Jared Leto’s monopoly on doe-eyed androgyny.
Of the three films, The Two Towers is the most action-packed, and it has to be. Essentially, it’s just a transition between the two movies, the half-time show to a really boring Super Bowl, except instead of playing sports, both teams are building Warhammer models, or whatever it is those kinds of Dungeons and Dragons people do, which I wouldn’t know because even they were too cool to hang out with me in high school. There, now that the true reason behind my negative view of Lord of the Rings is out in the open, we can focus on some valid criticisms. This film, and the others in the trilogy, are ridiculously overdone, the over-cooked ham of sword and sorcery. I realise how hard it must be to overdo a fantasy epic, but Peter Jackson worked through the burn and figured out how to tell a story composed entirely of swooping Lawrence of Arabia camera moves. And worse, he cast the movie with people who can’t even be bothered to try and act. With the notable exceptions of Dracula and Chucky, no one in the film does anything to convey any emotion other than widening their eyes from “stunned” to “saucer-like” depending on how loud everyone else is talking. And Elijah Wood looks like cookie dough with hair, or a melting shapeshifter, or, or… you know what? I don’t even know what he looks like, because there aren’t words in the English language for that kind of gap-toothed ugly. Maybe if I learned to speak Orc I’d find the right words. And then perhaps I could find someone to build Warhammer models with during lunch.