Thursday, February 02, 2006

Far-Right Conspiracy Theory.

2005, USA
John Hancock

Ah, revisionist history. It’s long had a place in film, from Birth of A Nation to The Patriot, spreading misinformation and spin about historical events to the point that they become fact in the pop-culture subconscious. This cinematic re-writing of the past has perpetuated many myths that are beginning to be widely accepted by the general public. Sadly, since many of today’s youth are educated by television and film instead of more reliable sources like the internet, many children mistakenly believe that humans evolved from apes, or that the Holocaust happened.

The most trusted name in made-up crazy-person news.

The Alamo carries on this tradition, by presenting a fairly offensively inaccurate portrayal of the Texas Revolution that gives us American saints and Mexican devils. The film would have you believe that the Texas rebels were a group of loyal and noble Americans, standing up for justice and human rights, throwing off the yoke of their Mexican oppressors. The Mexicans were led by the tyrannical Santa Anna, a bloodthirsty 12 meter-tall despot with the body of an angel and the head of an owl, who rode into battle brandishing a sabre atop a black wolf. He killed without mercy, executed prisoners, and governed 30 legions of spirits. Of course, none of this is actually true. I've met several Mexicans, mainly while they were serving me 49 cent tacos at Three Amigos, and while they may have been eyeing my watch, they didn't appear particularly bloodthirsty. What really happened is that a bunch of white people moved into a Mexican province, decided they’d like to keep it, then launched a revolt once a Mexican law was passed denying them their ‘right’ to slavery. Of course, none of this is mentioned in the film, and we’re just treated to a bunch of Americans being rough, tumble, but good hearted men, and the Mexicans eating abortions.

General Santa Anna at the battle of Goliad.

Not that The Alamo is all white-washed history. There’s an effort made to show Sam Houston as a drunk, and Davie Crocket as kind of a coward, but they both manage to overcome their faults in time to give some ethnics a good ol’ fashioned American ass whuppin’. And Santa Anna was sort of a monster. But still, that’s not enough to make up for glaring omissions and historical inaccuracy, all in the name of raising masturbatory American pride. The film is even directed by a guy named John Hancock, which makes me suspect this is all just an elaborate propaganda effort to bolster patriotism, like those phony White House news reports, or the fake moon landing.


Anonymous Mark said...

I like the tagline, "You Will Never Forget." I forgot this movie ever existed. Unfortunately, it reminded me of another patriotic (at least for Southerners) bomb, "Gods and Generals." It's hard to root for slaveholders.

11:39 p.m.  
Anonymous Fred said...

Actually, Ash, you're the revisionist. The war's proximate cause was Santa-Ana's installation as dictator. Part of his program involved tightening central control, mainly through reinstalling garrisons in Texas that had been abandoned in 1832. The Texans were also worried that certain prerogatives they enjoyed (tarrif exemption, local governement, and various common law legal rights, such as right to jury trial) would be abrogated. The abolition of slavery was a minor concern, merely indicative of the general fear of the loss of local control and prerogatives. Read more at the "Handbook of Texas Online." I recommend in future that you "stick to your knitting" (slamming terrible American movies and giving mouth-love to the Japanese).

2:27 a.m.  
Blogger nijaz said...

This site is the best! The only one that I actually sit with microwave-cooked popcorn and non-alcoholic beer!!(I want to remember every single thing in the morning!) And the surge of attention of this blood-sucking im-a-vampire-minus-the-false-teeth site promises a fitting climax, and like in those Japanese Hentai porn I pray that it lasts forever!

7:45 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Mark - It's hard, but oh so much fun.

Fred - I'm not a revisionist, I'm a liar. There's a difference. For example, Santa Anna was not really 12 feet tall and a demon. Of course, the causes of the Texas revolution were not as simple as I made them out to be, nor were they as noble as do you and an online Texas Handbook (which, interestingly, does not mention the slavery issue at all). The abolishment of the right to slavery may have been indicative of the rights the Texans feared losing, but the fact remains that that was the only right (or the main one at least), that they had actually lost, triggering the revolt. My point was merely that this is something that should have been acknowledged or addressed. As usual, I make my points with as much exaggeration as possible, with as few facts as possible.

Nijaz - This site will not last forever. But like swallowed chewing gum, it will remain undigested for 7 years.

8:57 a.m.  
Anonymous Patrick said...

I hated hated hated The Alamo! Dennis Quaid and Patrick Wilson are very hot, but that didn't do it for me.... it was more boring and pointless than the musical version of "The Producers" (and more gay, if that's possible)
And the real Alamo is even more boring than the movie! AND, it doesn't even have a BASEMENT! For the love..!

10:44 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Ewwww, Denis Quaid? He's like a hot guy's uncle.

11:14 a.m.  
Anonymous (Behind the) Pine Curtain said...

Ash - I am such a fan of your site. I've made the point to read several months of your posts and still keep coming back for more. Does this make me a lunatic or a Nazi-lover or is that redundant?


1:24 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Please. It's neo-Nazi. I'm not an 85 year old German.

And thanks, Pine Curtain. I would write this if no one read it, and it's nice to know that some people read it and actually like it. Well, I would still write it, but it would be in identical notebooks in tiny, tiny, handwriting, found by the thousands in my apartment after I begin killing people.

1:40 p.m.  
Anonymous E. Zundel said...

Ash... my ears are burning again. Oh wait, I think I just left something in the oven again.

2:34 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...


2:38 p.m.  
Anonymous Fred said...

You lie? So am I still the only one aroused by tampon commericals? (Just thinking about that blue liquid drizzling over white cotton...). It's just that for someone so cringe-inducingly irreverent and hilarious, the wisps of anti-Americanism (Sahara) seem so conventional, so boring, so... Canadian (I'm from Vancouver myself). Imagine if Monica Bellucci married a revolting, French douchebag B-movie tough guy, for example. That's how I felt(perplexed, with a chubby).

3:01 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Are you sure they feel so "Canadian", and not so "everybody who isn't American"? Besides, part of being irreverent(and, sadly, irrelevant) is taking shots at everybody, including the easy targets. Also, my whiffs of anti-Americanism are certainly eclipsed by my overt racism, and virulent anti-Semitism.

And I certainly wasn't lying about the tampon commercials, though they're nowhere near as arousing as ads for yeast infection medication.

3:55 p.m.  
Anonymous Patrick said...

ok, yeah, it's true.. I think Denis Quaid is hot (and his brother is...NOT) But then again, I worship Kevin Costner... all my friends think that's wrong, but Tin Cup is my favorite bad movie... Now Denis and Kevin woulda turned Brokeback Mountain into a steaming, hot, and erupting Brokeback Volcano...

4:12 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

When I saw the trailer for this movie for the first time in LA, it got booed by the audience.

4:23 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Kevin Cosn... But he's like a hundred years old! Are you like a gay male Anna Nicole Smith?

4:27 p.m.  
Anonymous Patrick said...

Ah come on...that's a wee bit harsh... I've been in love with Kevin since I was 10 years old and saw Field of Dreams in the movie theater... if anything, I'd want to be reincarnated as Amy Madigan so I could have seen him in those tighty whities back in '89...Let's just say, he built it, and they came... and I came. All over the place.
Then again, Amy Madigan reminds me too much of Thelma Ritter.. but nuff about me and my fantasies...

5:08 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Hey. No complaining about Thelma Ritter. She was in Pick-Up on South Street.

12:20 a.m.  
Anonymous the rather witty little prick said...

oh lisa, sweet lisa, butter wont melt in her mouth, "BUT I BET SPUNK WOULD".

5:10 p.m.  

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