Friday, February 24, 2006

Garage Bands In The Savage Land.

Garage Days
2002, Australia
Alex Proyas
DVD

Apparently, Australia has electricity now. Which means they have electric guitars. Which means they have shitty music. Now all they need is old Pixelvision cameras and an appreciation of stop-motion animation, and they can start churning out crap indie videos like the rest of the world.

How very retro. Now go write your next album on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Until then, they’ll have to settle for movies about crap indie bands. The twist with Garage Days is that the film knows the band is shitty, and the audience is in on the joke. The only problem is, the joke’s not funny. It’s at times juvenile and always lame, like what a 40 year old who’s never had children thinks kids would find funny. Directed by The Crow’s Alex Proyas, the film is inventive visually, but almost completely forgettable. But it tries, oh, how it tries, to stick in your memory with quirky characters, wild drug trips, and Fight Club twists as out of place as a black kid without a trust fund at a Radiohead show. Plus, the movie, starring a bunch of people you’ve never heard of and will never hear of again, is inadvertently depressing because the band it features could never possibly succeed. Here’s why:

  1. No one in the group appears to be wearing Converse sneakers. This is apparently more important to indie rock than having an alphabetized vinyl collection, or being able to name-drop Roky Erickson into a discussion of 60s psychedelia.

  1. While there is an attempted suicide within the band, this suicide is not attempted while a Smith’s song plays in the background.

  1. The band does not have a name. While this verges on being so very cool it causes Pitchfork Media to melt its server, this will invariably result in hundreds of underground rock bands with deliberately obtuse names killing each other in fits of jealousy for not having thought of that first, thus eliminating the entire target audience. The Go! Team, in particular, will slaughter thousands by swinging around inappropriate punctuation.

As the band must fail, so does the film. Here’s hoping it still makes enough money to keep the lights on in Australia.

8 Comments:

Blogger Prince Prospero said...

"Suicide to the Smiths/Joy Division" is an urban fallacy. The majority of successful suicides are accompanied by the strains of John Philip Sousa.

This blog needs more Terence Stamp. Hell, the world needs more Terence Stamp.

9:09 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

There's only so many times I can watch The Limey.

11:13 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

*blank stare*

It’s not like I’m asking you to shop at the Pottery Barn, listen to Foghat, or memorize the Freemason’s 33rd level; this is Terence Stamp we’re talking about – a primal Force of Nature.

Put Superman II and Alien Nation on a continuous 24-hour loop, eat Moonpies in your skivvies, and experience The Stamp.

12:15 PM  
Anonymous JSS said...

I got my first ever pair of Converse sneakers last year (the zebra-striped pair I had when I was fourteen were a brand rip-off). I wanted those Converse as soon as I heard that Nike had bought out the company. Now, whenever a hipster tosses his scarf around his shoulder and says, "Sweet kicks, dude", I'm all "Yeah, but the quality is shit, Nike is way over-paying those Indonesian kids". If I'm lucky, it'll start a fight and gt to burn a new scarf. Another successful hipster ambush!

12:56 PM  
Anonymous JSS said...

Not successful spelling, though.

12:58 PM  
Anonymous (behind the) pine curtain said...

Hmmmm...my 12-year-old daughter swears by Chuck Taylor® All Star® Knee-Hi Pink/Funk Flo Print Unisex X-Hi [#1S158], Canvas shoes. Does that mean her future is one of being a nerd or a lesbian? Oh crap, what does it mean that I bought them?

This is all so confusing.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I had no idea that shoes would become the focal point of this discussion. Carry on.

2:00 PM  
Anonymous the bloke who loves 12 year old girls bums said...

australia is a load of old rubbish, and, by the way, i want to bugger the 12 year old daughter of (behind the) pine curtain, in fact, i want to bugger every 12 year old girl in the world !!!

2:34 PM  

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