Giant-Sized Man-Thing #1!
Marvel Comics’ latest venture into the film world is a hardcore horror movie that, while a little long, suffers mainly because of its lack of girth. Though it picks up a bit near the end, it leans a little to the left, and is vaguely curved upward, which makes it a bit of an uncomfortable fit with the rest of the Marvel film canon. Also it has herpes. And when it ejaculates, it smells kind of like garli- ah, forget it. I was going to try to write a lengthy review using a lot of double entendres to go along with Man-Thing’s sexually suggestive title, but I’ve said so many horrible things in articles past, I think I’ve completely lost the ability to be subtle, rushing to the punchline before the reader even warms up and gets properly lubricated.
And that’s exactly the problem with Man-Thing, that lack of subtlety so important to good horror films. Not that most horror films are subtle, but the better ones have moments of calm amid the cacophony. Man-Thing, however, opens with a bunch of teenagers getting killed while partying in a swamp, which almost immediately lets you know that you’re in for a stupid, loud movie, if the open credits including Lawnmower Man director Brett Leonard didn’t tip you off already. Never mind that the character of Man-Thing is supposed to be a hero, not a slasher killer from a Halloween rip-off. Let’s focus on why on earth teenagers would be partying in a swamp. Generally, I’m of the impression that parties are best when they include girls, and most girls I know wouldn’t go near a swamp unless there was a Prada bag in the middle of it. And usually the word ‘party’ to me is not synonymous with ‘getting a staph infection from a mosquito bite’. So, the first five minutes of the film pretty much soured me on the rest. If you can get past that particular bit of idiocy, feel free to carry on watching the rest of the film. As for me, however, I’m going to make this review much like my own Man-Thing: short and easily forgettable. Also it has herpes.