Sunday, February 26, 2006

Hair Of The Dog That Bored You

Agents Secrets
2004, France
Frédéric Schoendoerffer
DVD

In the grand scheme of the world’s socio-political climate, France gets laid a lot. The US pushes many of the smaller countries around and makes a great deal of noise, but spends quite a bit of time jerking off to grappling magazines. Germany smiles a lot and looks friendly, but there’s something wrong with the way it looks at you and asks where your last name is from, and no one wants to be alone with Thailand. France, on the other hand, impresses women with a sexy accent, sophisticated continental tastes, and the way it flicks the tip of its tongue over your earlobe.

The first step to a fine case of crabs.

However, Agents Secrets is France the day after stumbling home to your hostel at 4 am. France spent the night, and now your room smells like curdled milk and it kind of hurts to shit. In the harsh light of the morning, what looked like a sexy stubble is actually a weeks worth of beard after a bender, and the sensuously shaggy hair is leaving grease stains on your pillow. The liberated European lifestyle is manifesting itself in poor hygiene and even worse manners, and you’re beginning to notice that the accent is not covering up a stunning lack of education.

Offensive caricature of a Freedom-man.

And that’s what this film is: a hung-over France. Ostensibly a spy thriller, Agents Secrets is anything but thrilling. Clearly too nauseous to do anything, much of the film involves spies walking from one place to another or doing research. There’s a car crash about 90 minutes in, and an off-screen murder at one point, but by then the audience has nipped off to the bistro for a quick croque-monsieur and an expresso, terribly frustrated that the film managed to get the capital of Estonia wrong in the first five minutes. Star Vincent Cassel is usually in action films, and Monica Belluci is usually in good films, but I guess the morning this film was made, they were too tired for either.

9 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Is there anything more fun than ripping on the French?

(Besides sex, and burning stuff that is.)

8:09 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Sex is not fun. It's way too stressful, and if you do it right, it makes you itch and blister after.

9:14 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Are you sure you're not confusing the playing with fire thing with sex?

11:11 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yeah, I'm sure. You can't get syphilis from fire.

11:21 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Then YOU aren't burning stuff right.

3:18 PM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

Which pair is correctly linked?

Bono and the Nobel Prize.
Mad Dog 20/20 and syphilis.
The French and film.

11:13 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Um. None?

1:03 AM  
Anonymous the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

but mr karreau, what about "THE YOUNG JANE BIRKIN" and "BUGGERY" surely those two were made for each other, (if you dont agree you must be a bloody pansy).

4:50 PM  
Anonymous the sneering (homo-phobic) snob said...

but mr karreau, what about "THE YOUNG JANE BIRKIN" and "BUGGERY" surely those two were made for each other, (if you dont agree you must be a bloody pansy).

4:51 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home