Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The King Ash Version.

…And God Created Woman
1956, France
Roger Vadim

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.

And God said, Let there be Light; and there was light.

But God still couldn’t find his glasses, and CSI: New York was on in ten minutes, so God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and then maybe he can find our glasses.

In case you're wondering, God has astigmatism. That's why he can't get laser eye surgery.

So God moulded Man out of clay, making him brown, because God also needed someone to do his gardening, and you can pay Mexicans less than minimum wage if you threaten to call immigration. And God called the Man Jésus.

And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. Except that Jésus was losing valuable gardening hours masturbating into his cupped hand while staring at a crude cave-painting of a pin-up girl. So, God plucked a rib from Jésus chest, and God created Woman.

For a while, everything was good. Then, Jésus got bored with Woman, and starting jerking off in the cave again, so God gave Woman a few extra orifices to help satisfy Jésus. Unfortunately, one of these orifices was a mouth, and Woman spent the rest of her life shrilly trying to act in bad titty pictures and spouting off about animal rights. God had accidentally created Bridget Bardot.

God soon discovered that, aside from the interesting exploration of evolving European sexual mores that was And God Created Woman, Bridget Bardot movies are much better with the sound off. So, God created the mute button.

And there blessed silence was upon the ears of the deep.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

How can you mention Bardot, but not have a picture?
You're now my 4th favorite blog.

When I am able to purchase Alex the vampire slayer, will it come with "Crimson" as an extra?

I mentioned your beard thingy, but I don't think you have one after all. It's hard to tell in that wee little picture of you from the festival.
Christ I'm bored this week, I'm back here every friggin 10 minutes commenting!
I need to get another job.

12:29 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

There. And yes, Crimson will be an extra, along with audio commentary tracks and a documentary. Plus the DVD is made of gold, and the case is bound in human flesh.

I do have a beard thingy, but it's not a soul patch because I am not a homosexual. What it is, is a stupid forked thingy, because I am an idiot.

1:03 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Cool, I'll put it next to my Evil Dead with the Faux human flesh cover.
A forked thingy?!?
Oh you gotta post a picture of it!
That sounds Hilar....REALLY cool lookin!

Thanks for the Bardot pic.

1:57 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

I believe the only movie I've seen with Bardot was Godard's Contempt.

3:36 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

You should probably keep it that way, though this one isn't bad.

10:08 a.m.  
Anonymous willy sperm said...

have you got any pictures of miss bardot showing her bum ?

12:24 p.m.  

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