The King Ash Version.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters.
And God said, Let there be Light; and there was light.
But God still couldn’t find his glasses, and CSI: New York was on in ten minutes, so God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let him have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth, and then maybe he can find our glasses.
So God moulded Man out of clay, making him brown, because God also needed someone to do his gardening, and you can pay Mexicans less than minimum wage if you threaten to call immigration. And God called the Man Jésus.
And God saw every thing that he had made, and, behold, it was very good. Except that Jésus was losing valuable gardening hours masturbating into his cupped hand while staring at a crude cave-painting of a pin-up girl. So, God plucked a rib from Jésus chest, and God created Woman.
For a while, everything was good. Then, Jésus got bored with Woman, and starting jerking off in the cave again, so God gave Woman a few extra orifices to help satisfy Jésus. Unfortunately, one of these orifices was a mouth, and Woman spent the rest of her life shrilly trying to act in bad titty pictures and spouting off about animal rights. God had accidentally created Bridget Bardot.
God soon discovered that, aside from the interesting exploration of evolving European sexual mores that was And God Created Woman, Bridget Bardot movies are much better with the sound off. So, God created the mute button.
And there blessed silence was upon the ears of the deep.