Friday, February 10, 2006

Return of the Angel Dust.

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
2003, USA
Peter Jackson

Fucking END, already! Why would anyone make a movie this long? Immortality? I’m a busy guy! I don't have time for this. I had to do, like, three rails of PCP to get through the last Lord of the Rings without nodding off, and now I need to drink orange juice straight of the carton in a convenience store while masturbating and then run through a plate glass window, not watch more midgets walking. And for what? The midgets defeat Sauron (big bad guy; looks like a vampire Transformer) maybe ten minutes into the film, and the rest of the movie follows them back home as they putter around and make tea like retired English women. I know, I know, the lengthy homecoming is in the novel, but so are the addendum, preface, and book plate, and I don’t need to see Peter Jackson spend $100 million bringing the dedication page to life. I also don’t need to waste anymore of my PCP rage on this piece of crap.


Anonymous Rin said...

I once had a great idea. To watch all three films back to back. I got ten minutes into the first one. God they're shit. I mean, you can see the effort they've put into certain things. Weta must have sweat pixels to get everything looking the way it does. CGI still doens't look right, whoever does it, though. And of course the locations are really nice.

But Jesus it's boring. I'm actually pretty sure you could play the big battles from the second and third films side by side and nobody would be able to tell the difference.

"Oh it's so impressive, look at that army of monsters and stuff!" That's not impressive, that's just shit. You fucking cunts.

I'll give the first film a passable-ish 5/10. The second and third don't deserve a rin-rating.

See you!

3:34 p.m.  
Anonymous Jonathan Baum said...

Thanks again Ash. We are now turning off the Zionist mind-control beams and you can return to whatever you do to fill the voids in your life. Sorry we made you waste so much of your precious time by watching LOTR, but we had to make sure the beams were working. Your next assignment will be along presently.

3:52 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

If Brokeback Mountian wins best picture, I think they should thank Peter Jackson for opening the door and making gay cinema mainstream.

"Oh Mr. Fordo, you look SO peaceful when you're sleeping. OH, and you have a pretty mouth."

10:30 a.m.  
Blogger gretchkal said...

omg, am i the only dork big enough to admit that i LOVED lotr?

12:43 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Rin - It's good to see you back, and just as unwaveringly negative as ever.

Jonathan Baum - You seem to work for a weapons manufacturer. My fear is no longer half-serious.

Jerk - He also has a saucy bottom.

Gretchkal - Yes. You are.

1:06 p.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Fuck, Rin - I've missed you.

Gretchkal, I mean this in the nicest, most complimentary way, but you're a dead ringer for my gran that time she married the sailor from Peckham in a wedding dress borrowed from Shepherd's Bush Film Studio. (Her, not the sailor.)

Erm, Ash - I'll think of something to say about movies again in a minute.

9:06 a.m.  
Anonymous Jonathan Baum said...

It's true, but you needn't worry Ash. I work in R&D for this company, which is part of my kibbutz. Should you ever decide to go to work for the mob and that you need a bullet and bomb-proof car, please think of us first.

Keep up the good work.

11:47 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Broad, don't worry about it. This website is more of a social club for losers than anything else.

John - I doubt I'll ever work for the mob. But I do get plenty of death threats, so expect my phone call.

6:56 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

ROTK was like an hour too long.

2:12 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

No, it was 3 hours too long.

1:43 p.m.  

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