Monday, February 20, 2006

You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Broom.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
2004, USA
Alfonso Cuaron

Ever since its meteoric rise in popularity, Christian groups and conservative critics have been on the warpath against the Harry Potter series. Mainly, their objection stems from the belief that the novels and films will, through the glorification of magic, paganism, and wizardry, encourage children to be gay. This is the only possible objection to the “dark arts” presented in these watered down Dungeon Master manuals, because the only thing the pagan imagery in Harry Potter could make you want to do is wear black nail polish and spend a year of your life trying to like Sisters of Mercy. Hell, I think I saw the guy from the Stone Roses in one scene, and he shows up on gaydar like the soundtrack to Cats.

The interesting thing about the Harry Potter series is that the novels grow in complexity as the readership ages. And so, the films do become more interesting as the franchise progresses, though the whole concept seems to be Lord of the Rings for babies,
female drama students, and pedophiles. Unfortunately, though The Prisoner of Azkaban is darker in both tone and style than the previous films, it still remains a movie for children. Why does it feel like I’m trying to give a review of a Curious George book to a pre-school class every time I talk about these movies, and yet every one I know has seen them? It’s like my entire peer group pulls out a spit-stained teddy bear and starts sucking their thumb whenever this film comes up. So, in order to bring the discourse up to an adult level, it’s time to engage the film on more mature terms.

In this film, Hermione Granger has aged past where she’s so annoying you want to smack her to the point where she’s so annoying you want to fuck her and prematurely ejaculate on her mosquito bite breasts so she never talks to you again. Ever. By the next film, however, she’ll be well into MILF territory.

Daniel Radcliff as Harry Potter has just missed cute and entered the realm of looking weird and out of place, especially since he now seems to be much older than both his peers in the film and his target audience. This is getting creepy, because this age discrepancy makes him seem either retarded or sexually predatory.

Richard Harris has turned into Michael Gambon, which is like turning gold into fat, piggish lead.

The movie moves way too fast, as do most films for children. Probably, this is because the filmmakers assume the audience already knows the story, and is just showing up for a eight-year old’s birthday party, or to see a young boy riding a broom.

Now that the film has been discussed on a more adult level, it’s time for the next entry in the series, where Rupert gets Alzheimer’s and Hermione breaks her hip.


Blogger Fatman said...

There was a lot of lazy storytelling in this installment of Harry Potter. The second coolest thing about this film was the map that the young 'uns find (the first being Hermoine aging nicely which you already articulated fairly graphicly) but the makers of the film negelect to give any explanation for it. It was only after the film that people who read the book (seemingly everyone else on the planet except me) explained it's significance. 30 seconds it took to explain it. Also there was this deer that came out of figgin' nowhere near the end.

2:09 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yeah, it felt like highlight reel for a book that isn't particularly exciting. And I didn't think David Thewlis' career was doing that badly.

8:33 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Ash, did you review the remake of the Fog and I missed it?

3:42 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...


3:46 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...


4:06 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

This is probably my favorite film of the series. But, yeah, the lack of explanation of the map was a problem.

I actually just watched Toys, also starring Michael Gambon, for the first time in about 8-10 years. I must say, it's not nearly as good as I remember. Rather, it's terrible.

8:58 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Ash, I have decided that when I win a HUGE lotto, that our first film (I'll produce and get the phuc out of the way while you direct of course) will be Richard Matheson's "I AM LEGEND".

You can do it, I know you can.

9:47 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Sam - I think I prefered the last one. While I like the tone here better, the story was more cohesive in The Chamber of Secrets, though as a whole the film wasn't as fun to masturbate to.

Jerk - Richard Matheson is my favorite horror writer, and I Am Legend is my favorite horror novel, possibly even my favorite novel, right up there with Jude the Obscure and Heart of Darkness. I have wanted to make an I Am Legend movie my whole adult life, and no doubt someone will make it before I can and I will hate it.

10:26 p.m.  
Blogger Talya said...

WTH is MELF territory?

10:33 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

MILF. It's an acronym for "Mother I'd Like to Fuck". You need to watch more porn, Talya.

10:42 p.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I'd give my left arm to write like Matheson, and 'Heart' is one of the first books I'd save if my house burned down, but Hardy? Really? You are taking the piss, Ash.

4:43 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Nope. That book is like one loooong Type O Negative song.

9:15 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Hmmm. Maybe we just own different Type O Negative albums. Then again, Hardy is one of the authors high school english class completely ruined for me - along with Steinbeck and that Shakespeare guy.

10:14 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

What, you don't have the album about the stonemason pursuing his married cousin?

In the novel, there is a paragraph where Jude's three children die. Imagine a book so depressing that it only devotes a paragraph to that.

1:11 p.m.  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Wasn't the Charlton Heston movie The Omega Man an adaptation of "I Am Legend?"

Also, seems there's been another adaptation announced for 2007.

3:54 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yes, but unfortunately, it had Charlton Heston (or the "white Toshiro Mifune") in it, so it sort of sucked.

And that adaptation has been on the imdb with varying dates since 1999.

8:50 p.m.  
Anonymous bookzilla said...

No, but I do own the Hardy novel where a well-built peasant from Brooklynshire poses for Playwench after a long and fruitless attempt to woo his girlfriend's girlfriend.

I also have a copy of Jude somewhere. I might actually read it now.

3:10 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Be prepared to not get out of bed that day. And when you do, it will be to get a razor blade.

9:16 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Oh, then I do have that album - Cop / Young God by the Swans.

10:49 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Jarboe doesn't make me want to kill myself. She makes me want to kill her.

11:08 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

emma watson drives me wild with lust and desire, (which, by the way, is what she`s there for). now onto the actual review, these films really get on my nerves, they come across as a bizarre and extremely irritating combination of "industrial light and magic" and "the childrens film foundation", imagine if you will a head on collision between keith chegwin and richard edlund, not a pretty sight. there is something so embarressing about the breathtaking magnificence of ILM being wasted on the laughable ineptitude of talentless british actors and actresses, the popularity of these films is totally baffling to me, but emma oh emma that little minx is so incredible, she is in fact the only reason to watch these films which are in every other respect a total and utter waste of time.

4:48 p.m.  
Anonymous BIG JIM PRICK said...

i want to cover emma watson with spunk, i want to spend the rest of my life ejaculating all over her, she is so fucking beautiful, what a little darlin`.

9:23 p.m.  

Post a Comment

<< Home