You Must Be This Tall To Ride The Broom.
Ever since its meteoric rise in popularity, Christian groups and conservative critics have been on the warpath against the Harry Potter series. Mainly, their objection stems from the belief that the novels and films will, through the glorification of magic, paganism, and wizardry, encourage children to be gay. This is the only possible objection to the “dark arts” presented in these watered down Dungeon Master manuals, because the only thing the pagan imagery in Harry Potter could make you want to do is wear black nail polish and spend a year of your life trying to like Sisters of Mercy. Hell, I think I saw the guy from the Stone Roses in one scene, and he shows up on gaydar like the soundtrack to Cats.
The interesting thing about the Harry Potter series is that the novels grow in complexity as the readership ages. And so, the films do become more interesting as the franchise progresses, though the whole concept seems to be Lord of the Rings for babies,
female drama students, and pedophiles. Unfortunately, though The Prisoner of Azkaban is darker in both tone and style than the previous films, it still remains a movie for children. Why does it feel like I’m trying to give a review of a Curious George book to a pre-school class every time I talk about these movies, and yet every one I know has seen them? It’s like my entire peer group pulls out a spit-stained teddy bear and starts sucking their thumb whenever this film comes up. So, in order to bring the discourse up to an adult level, it’s time to engage the film on more mature terms.
In this film, Hermione Granger has aged past where she’s so annoying you want to smack her to the point where she’s so annoying you want to fuck her and prematurely ejaculate on her mosquito bite breasts so she never talks to you again. Ever. By the next film, however, she’ll be well into MILF territory.
Daniel Radcliff as Harry Potter has just missed cute and entered the realm of looking weird and out of place, especially since he now seems to be much older than both his peers in the film and his target audience. This is getting creepy, because this age discrepancy makes him seem either retarded or sexually predatory.
Richard Harris has turned into Michael Gambon, which is like turning gold into fat, piggish lead.
The movie moves way too fast, as do most films for children. Probably, this is because the filmmakers assume the audience already knows the story, and is just showing up for a eight-year old’s birthday party, or to see a young boy riding a broom.
Now that the film has been discussed on a more adult level, it’s time for the next entry in the series, where Rupert gets Alzheimer’s and Hermione breaks her hip.