Tuesday, March 07, 2006

9/11 Is A Joke.

911 In Plane Site
2004, USA
William Lewis
DVD

Thanks to the Oscars, I’ve now sworn off of movies entirely. I’m paralyzed by the fear that should I see a good one, it’s going to end up as part of a lame montage sequence that plays like a cut Tonight Show sketch. And film isn’t the first art form I’ve abandoned. The last vestiges of my love of music died with the first Strokes record, forcing me to blow out my left eardrum with Darkthrone’s Transylvanian Hunger album so I’d never hear another recycled Stooges riff again, and The Simple Life actually made my TV dumber, so now all it plays is FOX News and So You Want To Be A Millionaire. I haven’t read a word since glancing at the back-cover copy of The DaVinci Code, and I’ve long since given up on pornography, choosing instead to masturbate to the obituaries in my local newspaper, a practice which is helped along by their close proximity to pictures of newborns in the Births section.

Yes. Take it off.

So, instead, I’ve decided to only watch films that directly oppose all the conventions of traditional narrative cinema. As black metal is to music, as abstract art is to landscapes, as Jerry Bruckheimer is to humanity, so is 911 in Plane Site to regular films. This movie is the outsider art of documentary, an abomination made by the retarded. Yet, as with retarded art, it’s perversely fascinating, like a sculpture made out of feces in a home for the mentally ill. I didn’t think I could find a worse documentary than Fahrenheit 9/11 until I saw Fahrenhype 9/11, but even that load has been topped by 911 in Plane Site, mainly by the obnoxious title alone. I mean, one pun is enough of a father-in-law joke as it is, but two is just uncomfortable and awkward.

The Anti-Christ has a nice tan.

911 in Plane Site is a film that uncovers the truth behind the events of September 11th, 2001, which is that a bunch of crazy people flew planes into buildings so that even crazier people could make money selling DVDs to even crazier people. But, as usual, I’m just taking the piss to be contrary. There’s a lot about the “terrorist” attacks that’s suspicious to the critical thinker, and despite all the “evidence” that’s been put forth by the government controlled “news” organizations, most people in their hearts know that something’s screwy, and that they need to use apostrophes so their delicious sarcasm will read well. But there’s just too much contradictory “information” out there for me to sort through on my own, so I’ll just defer to narrator/host David Von Kleist, who draws upon his expert training in being a lunatic internet talk show host to sift through several unreliable websites and come up with the truth. Apparently, it’s obvious from several still photos that a plane never hit the Pentagon, and if you slow down the footage of the World Trade Center attacks and watch it enough times, you can clearly see a second shooter on the grassy knoll. Combine all this startling research with 52 minutes of a guy sitting at a desk breezing through logical fallacies while reading off of cue cards slightly to the left of the camera, and you’ve got yourself a convincing documentary.

Proof that aliens exist at Area 51. No, wait. Proof that Bigfoot is a communist.

There’s a great deal of nothing in this documentary. Von Kleist has a great deal of non-existent evidence that he uses to prove his point, which is nothing. He just doesn’t believe what every one else does, for no reason other than to be contrary. He offers no explanation, just a bunch of mumbo jumbo easily refutable by anyone with the magical powers of logic. But there’s no way to convince any Lone Gunmen of that. The best part about arguing with conspiracy theorists is that any evidence you provide to contradict their claims can be easily refuted by them saying that it’s fake, like everything in the world is part of some vast lie and they just happened to find the Angelfire-hosted website that holds the truth in a couple of grainy, doctored photographs. It’s like arguing with a Creationist, or a woman; rationality or big words don’t work, and eventually you just give up. And move on to the obituaries.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Drek said...

"I’ve long since given up on pornography, choosing instead to masturbate to the obituaries in my local newspaper, a practice which is helped along by their close proximity to pictures of newborns in the Births section."

This is the best line ever.

3:40 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

After reading your "review" I've called my "doctor" and requested an "increase" in my Haldol "dosage". As far as "I'm" concerned, all the questions that are "addressed" in this "documentary", and your "review", have already been "answered" in "Creation of the Humanoids", namely the posit -- The Robots are are our Friends, we shouldn't Fear Them, they have our Best Interests at Heart.

7:57 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Drek - Thank you. I've long been awaiting the opportunity to mix death and kiddie porn. Necropedophile is a great name for a band.

Prince - The Clickers exist for only one reason: To replace us.

I'm hoping this review will be discovered by some crazy conspiracy nuts, and it'll turn into a long-running idiotic debate, like the IMDB boards of this movie.

9:12 AM  
Blogger David Wester said...

Yeah, that obituary line was great.

You should tackle the diatonics videos next.

4:05 PM  
Anonymous (Behind the) Pine Curtain said...

Please don't forget Erich Von Daniken as far as obnoxious theorizing goes. I happen to like the idea that aliens built the pyramids or that cheap burrito I just ate has actual beef in it.

9:22 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Wow. I'd almost forgotten about Daniken. When I was a kid, I loved Chariots of the Gods. All the evidence seemed so undeniable, the theory so airtight. And then I figured out that, like all conspiracy theorists, it's that way because he made it up. It's always amazing how easy it seems to get these theories started, how desperate people are to believe in something counter-culture that they just take whatever some internet crackpot says at face value, themselves becoming as gullible as they see the rest of society.

9:32 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

You mean the Aliens didn't build the Pyramids?

Jesse...pole...

9:54 AM  
Anonymous (behind the) pine curtain said...

Absolutely couldn't agree more. I was completely convinced as a child that Bigfoot walked in the north woods and Scotland had a sea monster. I stopped believing in much after I got a job in state government. No, that's not true. I believe the red dot stores should be open 24/7.

9:56 AM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

No, please. My dad told me he was from another planet and gave me 'Chariots' as soon as I was old enough to read a sentence without using my finger. You have no idea how much my precarious world view hinges on the validity of Von Daniken's theories.

I feel sick now.

10:42 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Prince - Don't be stupid. The Predators built the pyramids, to hunt the Aliens.

Pine - Of course you don't "believe" in conspiracies. You work for the government, so you're probably involved in one right now.

Broadzilla - Consider yourself lucky. My world view hinges on the Protocols of the Elders of Zion and the World Ice Theory. I have a lot of trouble making friends.

11:29 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

Ahhh, true, so true.

In my case, Ignorance Is Bliss, as are speed-balls between my toes.

11:38 AM  
Blogger jim pinto said...

ash!

you've got to check out all the 9/11 stupidity i found. i posted 11 times with links and interviews and the whole she-bang.

go. read. de-learn.

- jim

2:54 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Wow. You did a lot more ranting than I did, and much more eloquently. The best part of conspiracy theories is that they rely not on evidence, but rather lack of evidence. On Sept 11, 2001, three planes crashed into three buildings. Cameras caught 2 of the events. So what do conspiracy theorists do? They disregard Occam's Razor and decide that since no camera caught a plane hitting the Pentagon, it must not have happened. There is no evidence to suggest that a plane did not hit the Pentagon, but still it's being discussed.

12:11 AM  
Anonymous THE LUDICROUS (but highly intelligent) WINDBAG said...

IF THE HUMAN RACE IS TO SURVIVE THE NATION OF ISLAM MUST BE DESTROYED, MR. KARREAU I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO HEAR YOUR OPINION ON THE VALIDITY OF THAT STATEMENT, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT ITS TRUE !!!

12:44 PM  
Anonymous the murderously homo-phobic bastard said...

well, mr. karreau, why haven`t you responded to mr. windbags important statement, which i, by the way, wholeheartedly agree with !!!.

3:16 PM  

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