Monday, March 13, 2006

The Hills Have NRA Memberships

The Hills Have Eyes
2006, USA
Alexandre Aja
35mm

Born from the 70s 2000s new old wave of gritty, realistic horror, shitty, teeny bopper remakes, Wes Craven's Alexandre Aja’s The Hills Have Eyes is an overlooked over-hyped gem of surprisingly intelligent exploitation cinema money grubbing, soulless commercialism. In the 1970s 21st century, American culture was consumed with fear regarding the death of the so-called ‘nuclear family’ unit falling box office receipts. The sexual revolution Internet porn downloads, rising divorce rates movie piracy, and the new-found independence of teenagers Michael Bay movies were threatening to destroy the traditional family's Sunday dinner with 2.5 kids and a dog Hollywood hegemony of stupid action movies. Wes Craven Alexandre Aja, ever the master of subtlety music-video camera tricks masked by horrific violence really horrific violence, took this idea to the extreme, as did other low-budget high-budget horror filmmakers TV commercial directors. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Omen, The Hills Have Eyes, all these films dealt with a family either under attack or corrupted by progress have been remade to exploit dumb teenagers who won’t watch anything more than 5 years old. Written Photocopied by Craven Aja, the script for The Hills Have Eyes takes this idea to an extreme, as a happy, all-American nuclear family unit on vacation is attacked by a literal nuclear family, in the form of a gang of Mad Max type killers mutated by nuclear testing bleeding heart liberal anti-gun legislation. The conflict between the two essentially destroys both, but not without forcing each family to compromise their values a hippie peace-nick to kill a guy with a baseball bat. While unflinchingly violent, the film draws its real power from its subtext alarmingly right-wing point of view. The family, lost in the desert and besieged by a Sawney Beane penny dreadful flashy snuff movie, must abandon their peaceful, Christian morals in the face of wild, untamed frontier justice. Essentially, the film posits that in order to survive, a culture must adapt, change, or mutate, perhaps into something that it hates or fears, or be destroyed you can be as liberal as you want, so long as you have at least three guns to fight off cannibals or possibly negroes. And that is where the real terror money lies.

24 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Yeah, but does it have that pointy headed, bald guy in it?

This might be your best review to date!
('course I'm counting from last Tues.)

1:35 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

No, it doesn't have Michael Berryman, but it does have Billy Drago, who is almost as naturally horrifying.

2:29 PM  
Anonymous (behind the) pine curtain said...

Michael Berryman

Looking up his credits I see he was in "Kenny Rogers - The Gambler, Part III: The Legend Continues."

There's a certain filled baby diaper/curried/hot garbage nausea that I just had by even writing that.

4:07 PM  
Anonymous Jaymis said...

This may be one of the best film reviews ever.

2:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What was with the big gap between reviews? I had to spend the weekend with only two/thirds as many Jew and child pornography jokes as usual!

5:22 AM  
Anonymous Rin said...

What they said, expect 23/24ths, instead of 2/3rds.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Pine - He was also on an episode of the X-Files, so I think that cancels out the Kenny Rogers film.

Jaymis - Thanks! I thought it was a piece of shit! But people seem to like it, so I'm not complaining!

Anonymous - Actually, I've been meaning to mention that. Since the New Year, I've been aiming for one review a day, so as to not get backed up with the films I watch and to keep the site fresh. I managed to keep that up for two months, I think, but no longer. Currently, I'm writing for two other websites, not including this one, have a screenplay that's supposed to be finished in 16 days that I haven't even started, am trying to raise money for another film, and am in training for a new job, so it's becoming a little more difficult to put in the hour a day to get new stuff up here. Consequently, I'm now aiming for five reviews a week, Monday to Friday, which will be posted in the mornings as opposed to the evenings as per usual. Wow, that's probably way more information than you needed.

Rin - I'm on way too much cough medication to even pretend I know what you're talking about.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

Ash's Review, the Reviews...

"More pokes at money grubbing, soulless commercialism than The New Republic." - Pravda

"I liked it. The downfall of Capitalism is at hand." - Fidel

"I liked the original review better." - Heston's Icy Fingers

"What are you, some kind of Commie-Pinko Artiste?" - Prospero

10:13 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

"The Review? Pretentious tripe. And hard to read." -- Sir Not-Appearing-In-This-Blog

10:15 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Hey, that's pretty funny. I've always wanted to be famous enough that somebody gives me a bad review, even if it's cloaked in a Monty Python reference.

Rin - I have now cleared by head enough to understand what you meant. I'm glad that I only provide 1/24 of your kiddie rape and jew jokes. You're my kind of people.

10:18 AM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

1. What the hell kind of job are you training for, Ash? And have they seen this website?

2. If the alleged Wicker Man remake is also shit, please don't review it until I've actually had a chance to see it. Oh, wait - it's got Nicolas Cage in it. Please, carry on.

11:41 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

1) One that pays %40 more than I make now. And no, they thankfully do not know abou this website, due to my diligent efforts to make sure that nobody reads this crap.

2)I've actually got high hopes for the remake of The Wicker Man, despite Nicholas Cage's presence (sorry, Rin). I just think that it might be a better idea to remake shitty films that they didn't get right the first time.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

Ash Quotes:
(1) "I've always wanted to be famous..."
(2) "One that pays %40 more than I make now..."

Soulless commercialism? Traitor!That's it, you are henceforth ejected from the Party. Turn in your card at the front-desk.

Concerning Ash's legacy and delusions of grandeur:

"The primary theme of Ash’s critique of textual socialism is the stasis, and some would say the defining characteristic, of subcapitalist sexual identity. Therefore, the characteristic theme of the works of Pynchon, and vis-a-vis Ash's reviews, is the difference between sexuality and society. Any number of appropriations concerning Derridaist reading exist...blah, blah, blah"

Aside: Any movie with Christoper Lee, The Wicker Man included, was made right the first time.

12:11 PM  
Blogger jim pinto said...

Dude. Is it possible you are just getting better? I hate how well you write.

Hate.

God.

You make me wish I only had one blog as good as this.

Btw. I loved this film, but for all the bad reasons you hated it. It was just over the top violent nonsense, but they got me... I really wanted those mutants dead.

So there.

Brain cells officially depleted.

3:03 PM  
Anonymous Rin said...

Hey Ash, I'm in New York from Thursday. Can you travel down and come help me with my new screenplay? It's going well so far, but needs some work. I've purposely used completely incorrect style, standards and script ettiquette to make myself look worse than I am. In case you find out who I really am and start stealing my ideas.

(Original Font: Courier New - 12 point)



















THAT'S A WRAP!
Rin

























FIRST DRAFT
March 14, 2006












FULL SCREEN BLACK

VOICE: Now this is how I like to wake up in the morning!

FILL SCREEN WITH MAN'S FACE

He is smiling. A beaming smile, enough to warm the hearts of dead children.

PAN OUT TO - reveal entire room. Man is in bed, still smiling. A bobbing action can be seen underneath the covers.

PAN CONTINUES - reveal television set. The smiling man and bobbing continue on the now visible screen.

VOICE FROM BEHIND CAMERA: Yeah, this is how I like to wake up in the morning!

PAN CONTINUES and rests in the first person view of a man sat in bed watching television. As he turns his head right, the camera turns too.

BODY OF DEAD WOMAN ON FLOOR BESIDE BED

MAN: Yeah, this is how I like to wake up in the morning.

His arm reaches to the bedside cabinet and he pours a glass of whiskey. He sips it and lets the taste linger.

MAN: Today will be a good day.

VOICE: THAT'S A WRAP!

PAN OUT to reveal the bedroom is on a stage.

CUT TO - Francis

FRANCIS: That was terrible, we'll have to go again.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Prince - I never said I was a communist. I'm more of a social democrat, or socialist, if you will. Also very racist. I'm real fun at parties.

Jim - Thanks a lot for the compliment. I'm actually of the opinion that I've been going downhill lately, so to hear praise from a fellow writer is quite heartwarming, or would be if I had a heart in my cold, Canadian, seal clubbing chest.

Rin - why would you need my help with that? The screenplay's perfect. Except it needs a love interest. And dinosaurs. And Tom Arnold as a sidekick. And we'll need to bring the budget down. Will you work for profit participation?

12:16 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

When is this blog going to become results-oriented? Even the Black Metal posers accomplished a few razings; they at least had a plan.

7:48 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Who do you think burned down those churches in Alabama? Don't believe what the government tells you.

7:50 AM  
Blogger jim pinto said...

I hear that when you stopped clubbing seals you get your heart back . . . and two nickels under your pillow from the cardiac fairy.

But that could just be an ugly rumor.

2:52 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

If the seals didn't want to get clubbed, they wouldn't have dressed like that. In exquisite fur.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Squish said...

Ash, once you left a comment on my site and ever since, i've been dropping in from time to time to see how you're doing. "How successful is Ash", I ask myself, "In regards to actually enjoying the films that he sees?" After reading your excellent analysis, might I invite you to read a few comments on a similar subect. You frighten me... It's like we have the same brain...
http://pasquish.blogspot.com/2006/03/hills-have-eyes-1977.html
http://pasquish.blogspot.com/2006/03/hills-have-eyes-2006.html
http://pasquish.blogspot.com/2006/03/remake-tribute-or-corporate-greed.html

11:55 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I frighten a lot of people, but generally for different reasons. We do have the same brain, but yours is full of bigger words (vituperam? When was the last time you heard that used in a sentence) and enough math to come up with an elaborate rating system. And as for how succesful I am? In all senses of the term, not very, neither in my attempts to enjoy the films I watch nor in my attempts to get people to read my opinions of them. Thanks for coming back, though.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous broadzilla. late again. said...

Oh my god. It's just dawned on me: Rin is actually Guy Ritchie!

11:32 AM  
Anonymous A PIOUS ATHEIST`S VIRTUOUS INDIGNATION, (so to speak). said...

GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN, MIGHT I JUST INTERJECT HERE FOR A MOMENT AND JUST REMIND BOTH OF YOU THAT "GUY RITCHIE" IS A LOAD OF OLD RUBBISH, AND HIS FILM`S ARE A LOAD OF OLD RUBBISH, AND THE ENTIRE BRITISH FILM INDUSTRY IS A LOAD OF OLD RUBBISH, I JUST THOUGHT I`D REMIND YOU ALL OF THAT. O.K. NOW YOU MAY CONTINUE WITH YOUR LUDICROUS IDIOTIC BICKERING, AND NEVER FORGET THE BRITISH FILM INDUSTRY MUST BE DESTROYED, WITH MALICE-A-FORE-THOUGHT, AND EXTREME PREJUDICE. HERE ENDETH THE LESSON.

5:54 PM  

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