Thursday, March 16, 2006

Still Not Stoned Enough To Like Foghat.

Freeway
1988, USA
Francis Delia
DVD

Did you know that you can still buy cough syrup containing codeine if you ask your pharmacist nicely? If you’re planning on watching Freeway, I suggest you pick some of that up instead of popcorn, because the very specific beast that is made-for-TV horror requires very specific chemical alteration to keep it interesting. Not only do you need to lower your cognitive reasoning skills down to the level that Total Request Live becomes appointment television, but you need to be sedate enough that sitting through a bad movie about road rage is a better alternative than rolling over far enough to reach the remote control. Apparently, in the southern United States, this also makes rap music somehow palatable.

Now free with any DJ Screw mixtape.

Thankfully, my semi-annual bronchial infection allowed me to watch Freeway all the way through, a feat I may not have been able to accomplish on my own without the aid of opium poppy. Otherwise, despite the presence of Richard Belzer and a guy who looks almost like Mickey Rourke pre-failed boxing career, Freeway is not really worth watching. Billy Drago, a character actor vying with Richard Lynch, Clint Howard, and Angelina Jolie’s lips as the most popular film freak since the death of Michael Berryman, plays a crazy priest driving around freeways shooting innocent drivers with a Magnum. He quotes biblical passages and excerpts from the NBC Standards and Practices regulations sheet, resulting in a movie that could probably play after Sesame Street without any significant edits. Still, with the new Anchor Bay DVD release, the film will finds a home amid any true movie junkie’s collection of drug-specific films.

Even with the yellow teeth, I'd rather fuck him than get whatever infection's swelling up Angelina Jolie's mouth.

Marijuana – Any movie which attempts to make either Harland Williams or Foghat seem cool, i.e. Half Baked, Dazed and Confused.

Psylocibin (magic mushrooms) – Films which require significant brain damage to enjoy and are long enough to allow in-theatre sobering-up, so you don’t get hit by a bus trying to hump a mailbox, i.e. films by or about Oliver Stone.

Codeine/Promethazine Cough Syrup – Films which require both a profound sense of apathy and partial paralysis. i.e. Made-For-TV movies, specifically Sci-Fi Channel originals. If you happen to flip to Yo! MTV Raps during one of the commercial breaks, add a cup of Sprite/7 Up and two to three Jolly Ranchers hard candies in case you catch a Paul Wall video.

Stay tuned next week when I review Gone With The Wind using the Anarchist’s Cookbook.

4 Comments:

Blogger Orlando said...

I fogive BD anything for being in Briscoe Country Jr.

12:31 PM  
Blogger gretchkal said...

is yo!mtv raps still on the air? i was under the impression that mtv no longer played music videos ...

12:38 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Gretchkal - I have no idea. I live in Canada. I'm assuming something must be fueling sales of Ashlee Simpson CDs.

Orlando - And that is precisely why I find him so attractive.

1:17 PM  
Anonymous THE POSTURING (homo-phobic) SNOB said...

YOU MEAN YOU`RE A BLOODY FAIRY, HUH...I THOUGHT YOU WAS AS STRAIGHT AS THEY COME, YOU BLOODY WOOFTER.

7:46 PM  

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