'Twas Brillig, and the Slithy Toves Did Stick It Right Up In Brianna Love.
Most men, on the rare occasions when they get the house all to themselves for an extended period, piss with the door open and watch lesbian pornography. I watch Robot Monster, over and over again. And lesbian pornography. But mostly Robot Monster, because this is the only film I have ever seen that makes me ask the question “how did anyone think this up?”. People ask this sort of thing all the time, usually rhetorically, when faced with a variety of either inventive or horrifically depraved movies. Recently, film critics have been posing the same question, particularly in regards to the newer glut of startlingly graphic horror films, like Saw 2 or The Hills Have Eyes. The latter film has a scene in which one mutated freak rapes an underage girl while another eats her pet birds. The scene has disgusted many, but I’m not terribly impressed, since I have to consciously make an effort not to think up stuff like that in public, or my pants will bulge in uncomfortable places. What I do admire, however, is the absolute dedication to gibberish evident in Robot Monster. This movie is nonsense poetry without the literary sensibility, like Lewis Carroll with a factory worker’s education. If I were to throw up alphabet soup onto a page, I’d still make more sense than this movie. Legendarily bad, but overshadowed by the films of Ed Wood, Robot Monster is a gem of ‘50s Z-grade sci-fi that must truly be seen to believed. I’ll try to describe it for you, but I’m not sure I can capture the essence of it. Perhaps if I lay it out on the page in sequential, things will make more sense. You tell me:
- Several dinosaurs get into a fight. At least, I assume their meant to be dinosaurs. What they actually are, are lizards filmed in close-up. The ‘dinosaurs’ wrestle for a bit, but it appears that one or both of them may be dead or rubber.
- The screen is filled with the covers of several fake comic books, or perhaps postage stamps. The image is unclear, but probably not worth examining closer. The title card comes up. “Robot Monster”, it proudly proclaims, despite the fact that neither a robot nor a monster are really in the film. There is also a credit for ‘Bubble Machine Provided By’, which is not the most terrifying title to lead into your film with.
- A young boy approaches two men in a cave. For a moment, I thought I’d accidentally taped over the film with some footage I shouldn’t have downloaded from the Internet, but sadly, this is not the case. The young boy introduces himself to the men, who claim to be archeologists, before running off to go home for dinner. Nothing is mentioned about either the comic books or the fighting dinosaurs. This is perhaps for the best.
- The young boy and his mother now live in a compound, two of the last 7 surviving humans on earth. One of the archeologists is now his father, and the other his sister’s wife, giving the viewer the distinct impression that the script has been re-written but no one has thought to inform the director until midway through the shooting.
- It is revealed that civilization has been wiped out by a “Ro-man”, which is a man in a gorilla suit with a fishbowl on his head. This is not what he looks like, this is what he is. It is not questioned by anyone in the film, and I fear reprisals should I do so now. The Ro-man is in contact with another Ro-man via television. Every time the second Ro-Man speaks, the on-screen room he’s communicating from fills up with bubbles. I wonder who provided the machine.
- The archeologist is apparently no longer an archeologist, but a chemist, and he has developed a cure for all diseases. This cure apparently also protects him and his family from the Ro-Man’s ray gun, a stunning causal link on par with the frothiest conspiracy theories or tin-foil hat ravings.
- The Ro-Man, frustrated in his attempts to exterminate the human race, manually strangles most of the family. Much of the last half of the film is devoted to this.
- The young boy wakes up outside the cave, having fallen down and hit his head. The two archeologists help him up, and it turns out everything was just a dream. Then, a bunch of bubbles come out of a cave, and Ro-Man walks out. Twice. I’m not sure if we’re meant the thing that he went back inside after forgetting his keys, or if the film has just been looped. Either way, it has no bearing over what happens next, or even what happened before, really.
- Then, Sativa Rose sticks a glass dildo into Brianna Love. I’m not sure if this was from the same movie, but it happened right after, and continued happening up until someone else came home.