Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Where Have All The Killer Dinosaurs Gone?

2004, Germany/Turkey
Fatih Arkin

God. I’m so sick of movies examining culture clash and the simultaneously healing and destructive power of love as it relates to the Turkish community in Germany. They’re like Holocaust movies; a dime a dozen, and more common than the cold. You can’t turn on the TV without seeing Kelly Rippa giggle her way through an interview with Sibel Kekilli like a six-year old flipped on nitrous, or catching Steven Cojocaru trading frothy fashion tips with Birol Unel like a couple of hideously ethnic schoolgirls. Even director Fatih Akin has been making the talk show rounds, appearing drunk and pimped out on Late Night With Conan O’Brien, even directing an episode of The Amazing Race during February sweeps.

Birol Unel: The new face of GQ.

I hate the way the media rewards these “filmmakers” for producing commercial trash by making them celebrities instead of exposing them for the marketing hucksters they are. Clearly, films like Head-On are made for a quick buck, using German tax breaks and money-grubbing investment bankers to take advantage of government loopholes and a gullible public, turning a quick buck on easy-sell properties. A story about two self-destructive German Turks who meet in a mental hospital and decide to enter a doomed sham marriage to escape strict cultural constraints is just the kind of movie that guarantees a huge opening weekend, before word of mouth can turn people away from the theatre. I wouldn’t be surprised if it were based on a video game. My call, nay, my demand, is that the international film community stop glutting the market with these low-brow, deeply-moving character studies and let some other genres get some exposure. For once, I’d like to see something with a massive special effects budget but a script the length of a Hardy Boys novel at my local multiplex, instead of this unpredictable, wildly gripping tripe. I want something I can fall asleep ten minutes in and still figure out, something with dialogue cut together from various Lethal Weapon movies, something with a shiny, glossy, and empty soul. Something, essentially, with killer dinosaurs or possibly time traveling robots. Then, maybe, Hollywood get a fair shake at creating a healthy, stable American film industry, and I can finally get a sequel to Dungeons and Dragons.


Blogger Prince Prospero said...

That tirade was a low-water mark. I hate reviews of Message-Movies that have a message. I'm now piercing my nipple with a hot-needle to mask the stench.

I want fucking Entertainment! Time-traveling Robotic Dinosaurs never sounded so inviting.

12:38 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Two self-destructive German Turks meet in a mental hospital...the first one says...

oh crap I can never remember the punchline.

12:38 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

The punchline is I fall asleep during the movie.

12:04 a.m.  
Anonymous Angus' Snappy Pseudonym said...

There is a sequel to the Dungeons and Dragons movie. Straight to video.

10:16 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yeah, I know. It's got this girl who's almost Reese Witherspoon in it.

10:44 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It is a shame that Jeremy Iron's
understated performance in the first D&D is virtually ignored by
western audience.

7:10 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Yeah. I'm always amazed by the range of emotion he conveys merely by yelling loudly and scrunching his face up.

10:38 a.m.  
Anonymous the sneering (murderously homo-phobic) snob said...

jeremy irons is a load of old rubbish, simply because he is an englishman, in fact all the 60 million people in britain are rubbish specifically because they are british.

2:23 p.m.  
Anonymous Ash karreau said...

mr. snob, i wholeheartedly agree with you.

2:26 p.m.  

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