Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Hooked on Brains and Phonics: Learning Lessons From the Undead.

Night of the Living Dead
USA, 1968
George Romero
DVD

It's not like I watch this movie over and over again just for fun. No, no, Romero's 1968 horror masterpiece must be compulsively revisited in order to unearth the pearls of wisdom it contains. The lessons to be learned from this zombie epic/hysterical diatribe against communism are legion, and they're not just confined to warnings about the dangers of cultural homogeny and the obliteration of identity. Many more valuable lessons can be gleaned from this unsettling, eerie film, such as the danger of falling asleep naked, because you might get half eaten and return to life, and undeath is not kind to middle aged breasts. Saddlebag tits are bad enough, let alone when they’re full of rotted meat. Other lessons of note:

1) A sleeveless shirt is not a flattering thing to die in. Its resemblance to a toga in grainy black and white photography is unmistakable. Add a couple of extra layers of fat, and comparisons to a zombie John Belushi are unavoidable.

2) Black people are way better at yelling than white people. Not so good at dodging bullets, though. One cancels the other out.

3) Shrieking is not an effective defense against either the undead, or film critics. Star Judith O’Dea got savaged by both, and deserved it.

4) Bark is not a good substitute for a balanced breakfast of intestines and burnt foot.

5) Stay in the cellar. No matter what. I summer down there. It's great for hiding from zombies, creditors, and black people who yell a lot and get shot.

Now, I'm off to pick up some fall entertaining tips from 10 Man Cock Slam #10.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Rin Tin Tin said...

I fucking love this film. Even though it's free on the public domain now, I bought it anyway. I also hate Dawn of the Dead but I'm usually alone on that one.

2:09 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I love Dawn of the Dead, but as the silliest of the Romero zombie films, there are certainly valid complaints with it. However, it does have a black man offering to abort a white woman's baby with a coat hanger, which keeps me hard for weeks whenever I see it.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Aw man, I was gonna post about this one for Halloween. Now I can't because you're so cool and popular that no one will even bother readin....wait....sorry, I though this was the Roger Corman blog. I'll post about anyway.

I have a fondness for Day of the Dead, which usually gets me booed out of the Cannibals for Shirley Temple meetings.

Dawn (NOT the remake) has it's moments. I mean, how can you not love when he shots the zombie kids after they get out of the closet? Irritating brats, I'da shot them even if they weren't dead, just so's I could shoot them again an hour or so later.

How do you make a dead baby float?

Take your foot off it's neck.

4:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh, i'm watching

6:52 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Wow. That's.... some interesting hair. Thanks for pretending to read this, and for being responsible for my starting this up again with your sorcerous ways.

Jerk, don't worry. The only people who actually read this crap are you, broadzilla, and my ego, and all three of us still read your site.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Squish said...

Hating Dawn of the Dead is stupid. "Shoot it man.. Shoot it in the head!" One thing that romero taought me ... consistently in his quad-rilogy - (worst word EVER) - is that the black man is ALWAYS the voice of reason... even AS the zombie in Land Of The Dead...

2:00 PM  
Anonymous Rin said...

Call me stupid again.

2:08 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Except that the best part of Night of the Living Dead is that despite being the most rational member of the group, the black dude is actually wrong. If they'd all have stayed in the cellar like White Middle Class Monster had wanted, they would all still be alive. It's actually quite a novel twist, I thought, to paint the lead as wrong but still heroic.

2:53 PM  

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