Thursday, November 30, 2006

Rock 'N' Roll Will Never Die. It Just Has A Degenerative Mental Illness.

American Hardcore
2006, USA
Paul Rachman

Fuck your scene. And don't pretend you don't have one. First of all, you're on the Internet, which means you're either on your way to complain about the new Raconteurs album at Pitchfork media, or to lurk around private message boards to find out if it's still cool to like Franz Ferdinand. Second of all, just look at yourself, and your second hand corduroy pants and your oh so fucking ironic Skid Row T-shirt, and try not to vomit, you annoying little trend-head. You suck, your music sucks, and you don't even need to wear those stupid glasses. And The Arcade Fire sucks.

Oh, sorry, what's that? You don't like indie-rock? Your scene is techno, or dance, or rave, or whatever the fuck you call it when you're not too flipped on ecstasy to talk? Well, then you don't even need me to tell you how goddamed gay you are. The whole world does it for you, and that fucking PLUR shirt doesn't help. Yeah! Vinyl rules! And the more of the Ninja Tunes catalogue you have on 12", the less likely you are to catch AIDS by getting so fucked up on coke you let one of the Chemical Brothers pork you in the ass!

Oh, sorry, what’s that? Your scene is goth? Then shouldn’t you be posting an Anne Rice quote on some website that spells ‘vampire’ with a ‘y’? Don’t read this site, it won’t piss off your Mom enough. But do try to crank the Marilyn Manson up a little louder. If your eardrums burst you won’t have to listen to Siouxsie and The Banshees anymore and strain yourself trying to pretend it isn’t awful. And that Nine Inch Nails brand isn’t fooling anybody. You’re about as tough as your dragon belt buckle.

Magyck! Faggyt!

Oh, sorry, what's that? Your scene is hardcore? Then how are you even reading this? Everyone who like hardcore is retarded, because everyone who makes hardcore is retarded. Have you ever seen Hatebreed live? It's like Adam Sandler got bitten by those rage monkeys from 28 Days Later. American Hardcore tries to tell the story of the birth of hardcore in the early 80s, but there isn't a story to tell other than a bunch of kids too stupid to play punk and not stupid enough to play metal. The music all sounds like the bridge to a Slayer song, the lyrics are grade 4 rhyming couplets mixed with all the attitude of a school yard bully, and people in the scene are instantly identifiable by their pleated khakis and overhanging Paleolithic brows. The scene went from street kids to frat boys in a heartbeat, which is like shifting from piss to shit at a lunch buffet.

Oh, sorry, what's that? You don't have a scene? That’s pathetic.

Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.


Anonymous Drek said...

Fuck Hardcore.
I have a buddy who moved to the southern US for University (from here in BC, Canada). He came back straightedge, christian, and ranting about how fucking awesome hardcore is.

Fuck xstraightedgex for creating a mob mentality on being a teetotaling douchebag, AND those fucking x's piss me off.

Fuck the names of hardcore bands for being all the fucking same, with it all being a variation of "blood" and "hate".

Fuck hardcore kids who really are just fucking emo kids that whine while straining their vocal chords, and instead of crying they just try to act tough. Congratulations hardcore kids, you fucking whine louder than emo kids, fuck you.

And finally, fuck this whole fucking record label

Fuck you hardcore kids, you may be all straightedge christians but I know you are all hiding in the closet, masterbating to a shirtless Henry Rollins.

12:36 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was that even a movie review? What's going on on this website? I'm fairly sure that you just put up a random movie poster and then rant about nothing in particular for a couple paragraphs, swear a bit, then inevitably lead the article over to your rather disturbing yet persistant desire to bed underage girls.

Oh...and by the way, I'm not wearing a Skid Row shirt and courduroy pants. Or any other combonation or resemblance to those other loser examples that you referenced.

I'm wearing a Crankenstein shirt and Star Wars boxer shorts. Wayyyyyyyyy more pathetic.

3:32 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I'm wearing a Winger t-shirt and spell werewolf with two f's thank you very much.

This is an angry, angry post.
I like it.

8:36 a.m.  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

That's a nice review of The Sound of Music. When are you going to review Karen Black's performance in Trilogy of Terror?

10:29 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

When I get over my fear of Zuni fetish dolls.

batturtle - I have to write real reviews over at the comic book bin. They are boring.

For the record, I am wearing a Skid Row T-shirt right now, but there's not irony.

2:37 p.m.  
Anonymous Michael Korvac said...

Hey, uh, "Ash". Check this out.

3:51 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Silence, Machine God. I will not fall for your elaborate ruse to fill my computer with some sort of nano-virus. Back to the 31st century, cyborg.

8:10 p.m.  
Anonymous Michael Korvac said...

There is less porn in the 31rst century. And more sweaty, aggressive video store clerks from the rural provinces.

Nano-virus? I can't work a toaster.

12:36 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That link didn't even work!

And then when I did find the site, it was humongous and I couldn't even find any of your stuff.

Admitedly, I didn't exactly take a completely in depth look through the site...but none the less, you should be ashamed of yourself.

3:32 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

You don't even work.

6:59 a.m.  
Blogger jim pinto said...

Dear Sweet God. Ash. Good to have you back.

5:19 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Squirrely here.

OK first off I am a raver, & well I don't do E, I'm way toooooo ADHD to need drugs of any kind.. but any who that was rather funny, & So you know Hardcore is also a genre of electroonic music, which consists of hard drum & bass & happy hardcore & gabber, Speedcore, hardtrance, basicly anything with lots-o-bass & generally speed up to at least 150 - 200 bpm

The goth bit was good too.. being that I on the occasion go to the goth club & really i agree with you I FUCKING ate marylon manson As well as NIN.. I'm more of a my life with the thrill kill kult kinda person

2:54 a.m.  


6:02 a.m.  

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