Tuesday, November 28, 2006

School of Hard Cocks.

The Graduate
1967, USA
Mike Nichols


This movie is as good as anything featuring Simon and Garfunkle's music can be. Which is still pretty good, considering that Simon and Garfunkle gay things up like a pink shirt at a Slayer concert. This is one of those films that everyone uses as a pop-culture reference point, but the closest most people of my generation have come to the film is a couple of Simpsons parodies they vaguely remember. I swear, if it wasn't for that show, everyone under the age of 30 would be unable to identify any form of culture that wasn't broadcast on Fox in the 90s. Based upon a play that was based upon a novel, the film famously tells the story of young Benjamin Braddock, a university graduate whom a married friend of the family seduces. Personally, I have a great deal of experience romancing older women, and I can tell you that this film is a very accurate portrayal of a May-December relationship. Of course, by 'romancing' I mean 'ejaculating into granny underpants stolen from a clothesline while fantasizing about my 83-year-old neighbor lying dead with nylons wrapped around her neck', but it's essentially the same thing.



Ah, the good old days.

The best comedies are always treated, as Nichols does here, as dramas that contain funny situations and funny characters. Too much time is spend in most comedies coaxing actors to mug for the camera and telegraphing punch lines with Marx Brothers editing. The story develops here as a drama, with moments of tragedy and pathos that accentuates some of the more lighthearted dialogue. Dustin Hoffman is excellent as always, despite looking less like a college student and more like a Jewish uncle on his way back from the bank. And Anne Bancroft is commanding as Mrs. Robinson, cold and desperate at the same time, like a horny assistant principal. This movie, however, does lose points for bringing MILF into the mainstream, where American Pie and frat boys who want to sleep with Michelle Pfeiffer could popularize it. The concept of MILFs, or "mothers I'd like to fuck", for those of you who don't have the internet and a fetish, is not a new one, but its popularization has led to an explosion of adult videos aimed at that particular fixation. I'm not one to judge, but that's fucking gross. Old women are all withered, saggy and dry, their skin like the testicles of an elephant. And, though toothless, their mouths are too desiccated to be of much use, tongues like sandpaper and throats like a goat hair shirt. And what's worse, all these MILF DVDs are taking up valuable floor space that could be put to use showcase better, healthier fetishes, like Golden Showers and women getting fucked with feet. Midgets, grotesquely swollen clitori, and machine sex are all loosing market share to these deviant MILF movies. Many of my favorite fetishes are currently competing for your perverted dollar, and I won't stand for it. So, I think all three of you loyal fans should join me in voting with your wallet, and picking up a few titles in the following fetishes.


1) Squish videos. Here, women in high heels step on small animals until they die and I ejaculate.


2) Insertions. Nothing makes me hungrier for vegetarian lasagna then seeing a woman stuff a zucchini into her vagina until it bleeds.


3) Ass-To-Mouth. Watching women pretend to enjoy the taste of fecal coliform bacteria is one of my greatest pleasures as a film critic, because you will not enjoy a better performance anywhere in filmdom.

4) Interracial. Sure, it's sin, but being bad always feels so good. Not so much when you're getting impaled by Justin Slayer's horse cock, perhaps, but it's sure fun to watch.

5) Fat Women. I once saw a German film in which an obese woman got her bellybutton fisted. I've never been the same since, and probably, neither has she.


I hope that, like me, The Graduate has inspired you to take matters, and your genitals, into your own hands, and make the pornographic world a better place. I hope that the film's influence will extend far beyond film schools and re-runs of The Simpsons, and reach down into the moist crotch of Silicon Implant Valley. I'm sure that's what all involved would have wanted, especially Simon and Garfunkle.

8 Comments:

Blogger nijaz said...

Your sick dude. But so am I. Cheers to all P2P s/w that feeds the sickness!

8:06 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You're a sad sick little man. Please stop writing horrible things on my internet under the clever shroud of a review for some old movie starring that guy from 'Hook'.

11:11 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Hm....
This review took an odd turn.
Somewhere along the line you started talking about The Graduate in the middle of your porn/MILF rant.

I'm a bit older than you and I'd liek to opint out that my generation popularized the whole getting knocked up at 12-13 craze that is still sweeping parts of the East Coast. It's hard NOT to bang a MILF. I can throw a rock and hit 3 or 4 of them. Which, if you've got the equipment, I think we can film and make quiet a bit of money.

"MILF'S get Stoned"
"Stoned cold MILF"

7:33 AM  
Anonymous Rin said...

Ash-to-mouth.

7:43 PM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Jerk, that's the worst spelling we've seen from you yet.

Ash, that's the worst... nevermind.

8:32 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

It's not my spelling that sucks luv, it's my typing.

8:37 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

The Graduate is a leftist's wet dream -- it's a piece of shit movie. This Duddy Kravitz reject should have taken the excellent advise he received 5 minutes into this schlock -- plastics -- then roll the credits.

10:35 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Prince Prospero, aka 3M.

2:39 PM  

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