Monday, November 13, 2006

This Time Around, I'll Try Not To Kill Anyone At My Prom

Marie Antoinette
2006, USA
Sofia Coppola

I think I'm going to throw up. This is a movie about a spoiled little retard, made by a spoiled little retard, which feels somehow incestuous. And not the good kind of incest, either, like two red-headed sisters scissoring or a MILTF getting fisted by her pre-teen daughter. It's the nauseating kind of incest, where a grandfather with hair in his ears goes down on a baby. I think it's because this movie is so self-consciously hip and bratty, and it seems exactly like an idea Sofia Coppola came up with while getting stoned with Spike Jonze.

As the title would suggest, this film is a biography of Marie Antoinette, of sorts, and as such is a period piece. But aside from the detailed costumes and set design, everything about the movie screams John Hughes without the wry sense of humor. The language, theperformances, the soundtrack that sounds like a college radio station around 10 PM, everything is modern and ultra-cool; a backstage documentary at a Strokes concert, in high collars and frilly dresses. These anachronisms, coupled with a hand-held camera and cinema verite visual style, make for a jarring but interesting interpretation of Antoinette's story, essentially positing that the French court at Versailles was a lot like high school.

Still from Marie Antoinette, moments before her execution.

Big fucking deal. Everything is a lot like high school. Work is like high school. University is like high school. The Internet is like high school. Everybody is trying to fuck everybody else, but failing, you get called a 'faggot' a lot if you don't watch football, and I'm hooked on Benzedrine. Things have been like high school before there even was high school, because high school is full of the retarded, a timeless condition independent of whether or not gym class is in session. Gossip and pack behavior are eternal conditions, and the movie reflects that life will has always been, and always will be, Mean Girls. It somewhat depressing to realize that no matter how successful I become in life, I'll still be trying to bum cigarettes and giving my girlfriend a hurried abortion with a coat hanger in a bathroom stall, and perhaps that's where some of my animosity towardsthis film comes. I don’t like bumming cigarettes, especially from all the raver idiots who seemed to have plenty of Dad’s money to by menthols, scared to death of me because I wore a leather jacket instead of a candy colored jumper and didn’t have a cock in my mouth, and I don’t like this movie. It's certainly competently made, and the stylistic choices are as bold as they are irritating, but despite the interesting ideas I came out of it frustrated. I should have liked it too, because Kirsten Dunst is in it, and she's got those nice crooked teeth that show she's already been properly housebroken, but it still didn't do it for me. Despite the incest.


Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...


11:38 a.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Give me your Lunch Money.

12:08 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wait a minute here! Hang on a second! You're posting movie reviews again!?! I just happen to swing by and find not just one but a whole batch of new writings. Geez...good job on letting everyone know (and by that I mean bad job). I'm not angry...but dissapointed. And angry. And very dissapointed.

1:37 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Jerk - I like football.

Anonymous - What lunch money? I'm a white guy living in the projects. This must be some sort of indication of how poor I am.

Batturtle - I didn't think anyone would care. I was right.

2:53 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You got one guy calling you a homosexual and one of those cowardly anonymous folks threatening to take your lunch money. That's at least two people who care. Kindah'.

4:31 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't "care". I just want that sweet, sweet, lunch period swag to buy vicadin.

I am hurting bad.

9:08 p.m.  
Blogger Fatman said...

Well, what were you expecting? A film set in the 1700's. In France. Of course there's going to be retards and incest. We're talking about the Bourbon Dynasty here where they named most of their brain-damaged kids Louie and let them feast on foie gras and make sex with their own cousins/ children. The over-sexed Pepe Le Pew antics were not just for the nobles either. Hell, peasants were lined up for hours at the Place de la Revolution waiting for the aristocrats to be beheaded just so they can have a picture taken of them skull fucking the rich.

8:22 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Oh, sorry.


8:53 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Hey, I'm sorry man. That was rude of me. I hope you know I was only joking. You're cool. I'd never blatantly call you an asshole like that.


12:45 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jerk of all trades (or as the kids call him...joat) sure does like the foul language.

10:16 p.m.  


1:50 a.m.  
Anonymous ash karreau said...

somehow mr. snob i knew you were going to say that.

1:52 a.m.  
Anonymous Jerk Of All Trades said...

well, its what he always says about all the gorgeous sexy young girls, because, unlike you ash, hes a rampantly heterosexual man who loves to bugger young girls.

1:58 a.m.  
Anonymous ash karreau said...

hey jerk, if you bring my sexuality into question one more time i`ll have all your comments edited from this site O.K., i am not a dirty pansy, woofter, poofter, fairy, faggot, queer bastard alright !!!, i am actually one of the most rampagingly heterosexual men who has ever lived, and who has fucked and buggered and sodomised and spunked all over more beautiful gorgeous sexy young girls than you can even dream about O.K.

2:08 a.m.  
Anonymous Jerk Of All Trades said...

O.K., O.K., old buddy, i`m sorry, cant you take a joke pal?

2:11 a.m.  
Anonymous Ash karreau said...

no i cant, especially when its about my sexuality being brought into question, now i`m away to bugger yet another gorgeous sexy young girl !!!

2:18 a.m.  

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