Friday, January 19, 2007

Like Where's Waldo, But You're Looking For The Actual Movie Review.

The Queen
2006, UK
Stephen Frears
35mm



Honestly, I don't know what the big deal with Princess Diana was. People keep claiming her transformation from school teacher to princess was some sort of fairy tale, but all the fairy tales I've ever read at least had a cool monster or two to menace the heroine, not some inbred blue-blood with skin hanging off his face like a coat on a hook. Diana was like the Paris Hilton of Britain, completely devoid of any skill or talent, but famous nonetheless. Of course, her notoriety came from disliking land mines and waving like golf fans clap, instead of from taking an awkward cum shot and throwing up Grey Goose vodka, but she's useless nonetheless. Still, her death inexplicably shook the world, in one of those really gay outpourings of useless grief. It's like the whole planet had a really cute dog that got hit by a train. Even useless layabouts like Britney Spears are at least famous for a reason, which is they have big tits and can stitch together a vocal track with Pro tools, but celebrities who are famous for no reason are infuriating. And Diana and Paris Hilton are by no means the only ones who have captured the public eye seemingly accidentally.



There. That should be worth a few more hits. But not the kind I'm looking for, which would break her nose.


1) Nicole Ritchie. Famous for being friends with someone who's famous. Also for looking kind of like a shaved shitzu.



2) Anna Nicole Smith. Was she a Playboy model? Was that it? Posing with your top off in a magazine so tame it wouldn't get a 13 year-old boy off is enough to lead to a TV show? I can't wait for the new sitcom starring that girl from the VO5 Hot Oil ads. Plus, Smith’s got tits like milk bags, which should be enough to disqualify you from wearing tight clothing, let alone prancing around in the buff.



3) Ashlee Simpson. This is the only recording artist I know who is famous for not singing. Or she was. Then, she got famous for getting a nose job, a career move that turned out great for Jennifer Grey, and will no doubt work wonders for the bony sister of a famous dimwit. Before, with her enormous nose, there was at least something on her face to distract from her vapid stare, which drifted unfocused around the room like a co-ed at her first keg party. Except, unlike the co-ed, Simpson’s evening ends with her spending $10 000 on surgery instead of throwing up in a bathtub while being sodomized by a football player. Life is not fair.



What a disgusting bunch. Like Diana, who incidentally is not in The Queen, a subtle and enthralling story of the Royal Family's public relations crisis after the princess’ death that featuring a Golden Globe-winning performance by Helen Mirren, these people are universally loved for no valid reason. They're famous because they're celebrities, and celebrities because they're famous. It's like we're caught in a time look, a self-fulfilling prophecy, a snake eating its own tail, which by default, is shitting in it's own mouth. And in ours.

Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.

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7 Comments:

Anonymous broadzilla said...

Oh. That kind of queen.

7:56 AM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

All of these people are famous for what I refer to as "The Charo Effect".

It's like El Nino, or "Lake effect weather", but with tits.

...and less of an updraft.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

....and a lower IQ.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

....Goochi goochi.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Squish said...

jeez so much for safe for work, eesh

11:11 AM  
Blogger Rhinoplasty Los Angeles said...

I’m planning to get my nose straightened… I find this is good info for people who would try to know something about rhinoplasty

8:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how much longer is the british film industry going to be permitted to make this kind of atrocious unwatchable garbage, this truly is an appalling film, in fact i think that plan 9 from outer space is better by itself than all the films that have ever been made in england over the last hundred years put together. just think about that for a moment, there is no question that the entire british film industry is an abomination that must be destroyed.

9:00 PM  

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