Thursday, January 11, 2007

Night Of The Living Metalcore Retards.

Day of the Dead
1985, USA
George A. Romero

Day of the Dead has long been regarded as the least of George A. Romero's Dead films. Thankfully for fans, Romero had the decency to make a much crappier film with Land of the Dead, causing the third movie in the series to rise leaps and bounds in comparative quality. And that's nothing to scoff at. People have made very good livings being bad at what they do, but at least being better than their competition. American Idol is a prime example of this phenomenon. No one on that show is capable of doing anything other than modulate their voices hysterically like an Arab woman ululated over the Israeli-bullet-riddled body of her son. However, some of them wail a little more or less atonally than others, which apparently is enough to make Simon Cowell stop imitating Anne Robinson long enough to give out some grudging praise. Jessica Simpson looks like a talent because she's not quite as shrill as her hook-nosed, aggressively ignorant sister, and the only reason that people watch CBS Evening News with Katie Couric is that they can't cum watching war footage when it's narrated by Tom Brokaw.

I can't finish until someone who sounds like my kindergarten teacher tells me how tragic this is.

Following the pattern of the series, Day of the Dead has humanity reduced to its last dying embers, with a few soldiers and scientists ensconced in an underground bunker, struggling to cure the zombie epidemic that has already destroyed civilization. More claustrophobic and contained than its predecessor, Dawn of the Dead, the film is also more nihilistic, with a real sense of entropy pervading the film. As the zombies fitfully wander about, reduced to nothing but instinctual cues and memories of their past lives, so do the humans, going through the motions of productivity amid the ruins of humanity. But yet, it still has the happiest ending of all the films, with the altruistic heroes ending their ordeal on a sunny beach, lounging, fishing, and preparing to inbreed themselves into a new world.

What's best about this movie is, of course, the pet zombie they train, who is capable of rudimentary thought and simplistic, primal instincts. Since this movie was made in 1985, that would give the mindless hordes bred from this monstrosity time to grow up and put Atreyu in their Friend List on MySpace. It all makes sense now. The hair that looks like it was cut with a machete to crudely resemble a Motley Crue groupie from the 80s, the toothpick-leg jeans like a second, weathered skin, the shoes that look like checkered slippers so they can slide easily over feet swollen with decay, it’s all so obvious; emo kids are the undead. This explains why their entire vernacular is imitated from those 90s skatepunks who have since grown up to work in kitchens. They’re just monkeys aping zoo janitors. Their bite appears to be contagious, judging from the fact that I can't pass a radio without hearing My Chemical Romance whining about something, and that everyone on the subway at 11 PM looks like they slept outside waiting in line to get the same Avenged Sevenfold belt buckle. They stink of that foul mix of tobacco you get when you smoke whatever you can bum outside the fire doors in high school, and have that kind of carefully constructed disheveled look that speaks to either a perfectly embalmed corpse mussing its suit climbing out of a grave, or a few hours in the bathroom with a case of that Tigi BedHead mousse. And yet, with all these similarities, I'm still not allowed to shoot them in the head whenever they pull out their Blackberrys and text someone a link to a Hedley video on YouTube. Compared to Day of the Dead, this is hell.


Blogger batturtle said...

How dare you question the greatness of George Romero?

P.S. - That was kind of two reviews in a row that didn't make me sick to my stomach with illicit undertones and whole new levels of inappropriateness. Are you feeling ok? Do you need someone to talk to? I don't mean me...but maybe one of those scary hobo's that live around your apartment might be able to lend an ear.

11:42 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

I used to work with Bub.

This is actually my second fave after "Night" and I don't really undetstand why.
I refuse to even see "Land".

7:47 a.m.  
Blogger Squish said...

I love that your review of this film was 2 lines long.

5:00 p.m.  
Blogger batturtle said...

I liked 'Land'

11:57 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

day of the dead is one of the greatest horror films ever made although i also think that steve miner`s ludicrously under-rated remake was even better.

4:01 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

george a. romero`s "DAY OF THE DEAD" is quite simply a masterwork of the highest calibre.

4:04 p.m.  
Anonymous the harvard know-it-all said...

i`m one of the biggest fans of "day of the dead", it is quite magnificent, thats why its all the more astonishing that i have to admit that steve miners remake is even better than the original, and its incredible that it didn`t even get a cinema release in north america, especially when you consider the fact that zack snyders "dawn of the dead" remake was shown theatrically and its not as good as miners film. Once again, "day of the dead 2008" is one of the greatest horror films ever made, dont listen to the critics, they dont know what the`re talking about with regards to this one, the way, i want to bugger mena suvari, (as she was when she was 18).

12:42 p.m.  

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