Friday, January 05, 2007

Short, And Anything But Sweet. Unless You Find Rape Romantic. And Hey, That's Your Business.

All That Heaven Allows
1955, USA
Douglas Sirk
DVD


Douglas Sirk is the king of the melodrama, which means he was the queen of the soap opera. 'Melodrama' is just a nice way of saying 'regurgitated Sweet 'N' Low', of course, so that film professors can teach classes without sounding like the cinematic version of Oprah's Book Club, but we'll grant that conceit for now and move on. All of his films include tortured love that for some reason or another dare not speak its name, the scorn of society heaped upon trembling shoulders, and scores that swell like my crotch during a Jerry's Kids Telethon. As you can see, I as well suffer from a love that dare not speak its name, which is that I like to fuck retarded children, but you don't see any Technicolor cameras following me around in Panavision. It's a little unfair, I think, that certain, let's say peccadilloes, are privileged, whereas others are still vilified. Jane Wyman can date a bohemian tree-planter in All That Heaven Allows, and she gets a movie made about her. I rape my way through one short bus and I end up spending 6 months in a hospital for sex offenders. It's just not fair.



The shag-wagon.

The love that dare not speak its name, in the particular case of All That Heaven Allows, is inter-class dating with an age difference. The first part of the movie is encumbered by clunky, over-expository dialogue, but after we meet the characters, primarily recently widowed Wyman and gardener love interest, this move a long a little more rapidly, allowing the beautiful cinematography and Sirk's patented overly-dramatic framing to take center stage to the weepy story. Amusingly enough, the lower class gardener is played by Rock Hudson, which means that the scandal in reality is Jane Wyman fucking a gay guy with AIDS. But no one knew that the time, which is always the case when you're giving a girl an STD. Or, in my case, a 6-year-old boy with Down's Syndrome, riding the bus to school.

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6 Comments:

Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Never seen it; never will.
Jane Wyman is the Anti-Christ's homely sister.

9:37 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You want to improve your romance? Invest in some volume pills. Works wonders.

6:12 PM  
Blogger batturtle said...

Wow...made it three whole sentences in without your drunken idiocy completely offending me. Then you kicked it up a notch with the fourth sentence. Really raising the bar kid!

And just because you like raping lil' children, that doesn't mean that you have to share that information with the rest of us. We all know that rape is the new aids when it comes to humour that really pushes the envelope, but you're really running the theme into the ground.

12:27 AM  
Blogger Prince Prospero said...

Over-expository, I'm pretty sure, is not a real word. But who's going to notice on the Short-Bus?

7:40 AM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

I had thought Far from Heaven was a sort of tribute to Sirk, but it sounds like it was more of a remake of this movie.

I can't stand melodrama.m

4:34 AM  
Anonymous THE SNEERING (homo-phobic) SNOB said...

ROCK HUDSON WAS A WOOFTER, AND FOR THAT REASON ALONE I HATE HIM.

7:45 PM  

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