A Sweet Tooth, And A Nose For Meth.
Apocalypto is five episodes of Cops strung together. Everyone has bad teeth, the theatre smells like breath on a Sunday morning, and, just like Cops, I can't understand what anyone in the movie is saying because they're all Spanish. Or Mexican or Indian or whatever, point is they're brown and probably on crystal meth. That would explain why the whole movie is
ephedrine, border patrol minutes behind. Apparently, in the days before the age of home electronics, this is what you did instead of staying up for three days taking apart a VCR then dying of renal failure. Also, you set a lot of traps like a particularly vicious Roadrunner cartoon. Jaguar Paw is a noble Mexican living with his family in small jungle village, for from the temptations of the big city. His idyllic,childishly pastoral existence is shattered, however, when his village is attacked by a bunch of guys with tattoos and body piercing, provingthat Mel Gibson has the same phobias as my mother.
The rest of the movie, aside from the running, concerns itself with the essential rural/urban conflict that has inflamed Christian fundamentalists since the times of Sodom, Gomorrah, and Las Vegas. Most Bible thumpers would have you believe that living in the country is like a vacation for the soul, and we'd all pick daisies and drink fresh cream while our children skipped in fields of golden wheat and laughed along with the sound of church bells. The city, on the other hand, is a suppurating sore of vice and sin, where the screams of the innocent are silenced only by the cocks of the guilty. In reality, the only people I know who moved to the country did so in order they could beat their wives without the neighbors calling the police. Still, the reactionary moral posturing is ever-present and obvious in this film, with the Mayan city portrayed as full of obese children with shaved eyebrows, like they've spent their entire lives immobile, stuffed full of cocoa and rubbing themselves until the hair comes off. Gibson's juvenile portrayal is just subversive enough that it plays into the Bible Belt's subconscious prejudices and fear of the other without getting too offensive, with enough trappings of art-house respectability to win over some of the film critics in the red states. By subtitling the film, Gibson attempts to move it away from the simplistic 80s action movie template to a more universal context, making it look like not just Texas hates Mexicans. Sadly, he's probably right, and what's worse, I'm pretty sure the whole world loves those little candy rings, too.
Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.