Monday, January 29, 2007

A Trip Through Time, Space, And Rehab.

Donnie Darko: The Director's Cut
2001, USA
Richard Kelly

The most impressive thing about this newly minted cult classic about time travel and schizophrenia is that the film itself is a portal through time. By watching Donnie Darko, I was catapulted 2 hours and 9 minutes into the future, where boredom reigns supreme, and simultaneously launched back to a time where taking Ketamine was cool. Sadly, even by watching the film in reverse, there is no way to get your 2 hours back, but at least when the lights go back on, you don't feel quite so much like you're on a couple bumps of disassociative anesthetic.

One of the special features on the DVD.

The original cut of Donnie Darko is a dreamy, unsettling, masterpiece of poetic science fiction. The director's cut, on the other hand, is long. That's probably the only thing I can say about it. If you've got enough drugs running through your system, or at least drifting about in the fluid of your spinal column, this movie will be the greatest thing since the stash can and the coke spoon. If, however, you're like me, and have about as much patience for indulgent club-kid trip-outs as you do for waiting on hold to the best of Aqua, this film will be about as palatable as Go, except much, much slower. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Darko, a mental disturbed teen who narrowly escapes death and then becomes convinced he's living in a parallel universe, a blip in the space-time continuum. In order to set things right and save Jena Malone's life, he must hallucinate a lot of those water things from The Abyss, pose his head like Pyle from Full Metal Jacket, and kill a guy in bunny suit. Don't worry, this all makes sense if you've gone retarded from chemicals, and it's way better than reading a book. It joins the ranks of other important films in drug culture, and shines as one of the jewels of the paper Burger King crown of trashy cinema.

1) Trainspotting. A fantastic film, exhilarating and fresh, that suffers only slightly from the fact that its only purpose seems to be to get ravers hooked on smack.

2) Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Children's movies + LSD = annoying Marilyn Manson fans.

3) Spun. Fuck you. I could cut a single frame from a bunch of NFB documentaries and shake them in a bag full of splicing tape and make a better movie than this piece of shit seizure. Sure, it's directed by one of the old percussionists from Bathory, but he edits like drummers do blast beats, and makes drug use look like watching music videos on fast forward.

4) Requiem For A Dream. This is like the Reefer Madness for the 90s, teaching the viewer that if you do drugs, your arm will fall off, or you'll get fucked in the ass with a dildo while the entire board of directors for Nortel watches.

5) Dazed and Confused. A great film ruined by a retarded audience. I shudder to think of the nuances of Richard Linklater's drowsy film lost in a haze of pot smoke in rep theatres, the sound lost in the crackling of burning Royal Blunt papers and the snitching of bugs crawling through matted dreadlocks. It's like playing Mozart at an after-hours club, or reading Dante to women.

Still, Donnie Darko is a great film. Or rather, was a great film, until Richard Kelly got his hands on it again. The morning after watching the director's cut, all I'm left with is a bad headache, a 2-hour chunk of missing time. And I didn’t even get to take any Ketamine.



Blogger Braindead Spaceman said...

i just love this blog

6:46 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Well, you can just go- oh... wait. No sarcasm? I don't know what to... uh.. thank you. Thank you!

7:59 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Reading Dante to women.....


8:53 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Nice? No.

10:52 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...'s not "nice", but that was nice.

Not "nice" nice.


I think.

Now I'm confused.

11:45 a.m.  
Blogger Squish said...

just thought you'd like to know, you made the top of the Squishlist

4:45 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Jerk, we're all confused. What's a Dante?

Squish, thank you very much. I'm going to pretend that I'm at the top because I'm so very talented, not because I'm smart enough to have named my blog something that comes at the beginning of alphabetical lists.

7:50 p.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

I can't take anyone that likes Donnie Darko seriously, so I'll assume you're joking.

4:51 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I'm not sure what about this website indicates I expect anyone to take me seriously. Is it the Jew jokes?

9:53 p.m.  
Blogger gretchkal said...

i think it's all the references to child porn and violence.

10:03 p.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

I always figured the jokes were just a guise to release your genuine xenophobic vitriol without being sent to prison.

4:32 a.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Xenophobic vitriol?


8:19 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...


10:44 a.m.  
Anonymous Rin said...

I'm glad we're all on the same wavelength. I just want you to know that come to day of the uprising, I'm right there with you on the front line.

12:50 p.m.  
Blogger Samuel said...

Yeah, Spun sucked.

And thanks for confirming I shouldn't bother with the Donnie Darko director's cut.

3:03 p.m.  
Blogger batturtle said...

Yer retarded from chemicals!
Take that!

12:42 a.m.  

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