Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Movie Review? Or Excuse to Surf for Porn? You Decide.

Dario Argento
DVD

No, I don't. Not after this stupid movie ruined him for me. And now I don't like Dario Argento, either. Not that I ever did, exactly. I did, however, have an appreciation of his earlier work, which was essentially comprised of garbled, nonsensical scripts clothed in a an extravagant, baroque visual style, like dogs playing poker painted by Rubens. Argento has always been incoherent and childish, but at least he was pretty, like Tara Reid. Now, he's incoherent and childish, but ugly and grainy, filtered through shitty video, like Paris Hilton. This isn't a riff on Hitchcock; it's a bad pun.

Like Argento, she also clearly doesn't know what she's doing.

Do You Like Hitchcock? is a mix of Rear Window, Strangers On A Train, and a turd. The mighty have fallen, and they've landed in a septic tank. Argento is either not trying, dead and involved in some sort of Weekend At Bernie's-type scheme, or broke from his daughter Asia draining his bank account for cocaine and abortion money. This film is a mess, and is so devoid of Argento's trademark visual style it could just as easily be an ad for a used car dealership on a TV station in Pembroke, Ontario. A film student stumbles upon a murder, and takes it upon himself to solve it, with all the investigative skills of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. But here's the thing! No one will believe him! Not even his girlfriend! Not even the video store clerk who couldn't more clearly be a killer if he had chunks of 9-year old girl hanging from his teeth! He would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for that meddling kid!

Not only are the effects awful, they're not even present. This is an Italian horror film from an acknowledged master, and 2 people die in the whole fucking thing. Considering that much of the screen time is spent repeating actions endlessly to fill time, like falling off and then getting back on a bike during a thrilling moped/foot chase scene, one would think they'd have time to shoehorn in at least one more gory death. Instead, there's a lot of poorly dubbed dialogue, and acting that wouldn't impress a housewife hooked on General Hospital. This film represents the longest fall from grace since Gabrielle Carmouche fell from Cosby Show guest-stardom and landed on a black man's engorged penis. Except instead of Argento landing on a dick, he fell on a Hitchcock. And while you’re not laughing at that joke, just be thankful you’re also not watching this movie.

5 Comments:

Blogger Angus said...

If I'm not mistaken, this one was filmed for Italian tv for about the price of a 12 pack, on like a handy cam or something.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous THE POSTURING (HOMO-PHOBIC) SNOB said...

I LIKE CERTAIN HITCHCOCK MOVIES, PSYCHO, THE BIRDS, FRENZY, AND MAYBE A FEW OTHERS. THE ONLY REAL PROBLEM I`VE EVER HAD WITH HIM IS HIS NAME, BECAUSE I`M SO RAMPANTLY HETEROSEXUAL, AND SO MURDEROUSLY HOMO-PHOBIC, (and extremely proud of both), I`VE ALWAYS HATED THE FACT THAT THE SECOND SYLLABLE OF HIS SURNAME IS THE WORD "COCK" WHICH AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW IS A SLANG TERM FOR PENIS, I WOULD HAVE PREFERED IT HE HAD BEEN CALLED "ALFRED HITCHCUNT" WHICH WOULD HAVE MUCH BETTER AND EASIER TO RELATE TO, BECAUSE, AGAIN AS YOU MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW "CUNT" IS A SWEAR-WORD, SLANG-TERM, OR VULGARISM MEANING "VAGINA" OR "FEMALE GENITALIA", THEN INSTEAD OF HAVING TO SAY THE WORD "COCK" EVERY TIME I SAID HIS NAME I WOULD HAVE BEEN ABLE TO SAY THE MUCH MORE PREFERABLE WORD "CUNT" THERE-BY UNDERLINING MY RAMPAGING HETEROSEXUALITY, (by the way, tony perkins was a woofter, but rod taylor was`nt).

5:45 PM  
Anonymous the posturing (homo-phobic) snob said...

let me tell you something mr. karreau i`m gonna` keep polluting your site with my sad pathetic bullshit till the end of fucking time o.k., and there`s nothing you or anybody can do to stop me, so you and all your pansy contributers better prepare yourselves for an unbeleivable onslaught of murderous homo-phobic insults, i dont like bloody fairys alright, and i intend to keep reminding you of just how much i dont like bloody fairys for many many years hence o.k. "LONG LIVE HETEROSEXUAL BUGGERY, WHERE-AS ALL WOOFTERS MUST BE KILLED NOW !!!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous Ash karreau said...

listen, you bloody fart-arse, you might not think theres anything i can do to have you permenently thrown off this site, but let me tell you something, "I WANT TO BUGGER HEATHER O`ROURKES 20 YEAR OLD ROTTING CORPSE", excuse me for changing the subject so abruptly, but if i`m honest the only thing i`ve really been thinking about for the last 25 years is heather o`rourkes incredible perfect little arse. Now, back to you, you worthless bastard, please dont leave any more comments on this site i really am getting sick and tired of encountering your repetitive and embarressingly unfunny bullshit !!!, NOW PLEASE JUST FUCK OFF, O.K.

11:10 AM  
Anonymous batturtle said...

thats telling him ash, oh...by the wat i completely agree with regards to heather o` rourke, that little girls arse was pure gold, (and probably still is even 20 years after her death), she was born to be buggered.

11:16 AM  

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