Movie Review? Or Excuse to Surf for Porn? You Decide.
No, I don't. Not after this stupid movie ruined him for me. And now I don't like Dario Argento, either. Not that I ever did, exactly. I did, however, have an appreciation of his earlier work, which was essentially comprised of garbled, nonsensical scripts clothed in a an extravagant, baroque visual style, like dogs playing poker painted by Rubens. Argento has always been incoherent and childish, but at least he was pretty, like Tara Reid. Now, he's incoherent and childish, but ugly and grainy, filtered through shitty video, like Paris Hilton. This isn't a riff on Hitchcock; it's a bad pun.
Do You Like Hitchcock? is a mix of Rear Window, Strangers On A Train, and a turd. The mighty have fallen, and they've landed in a septic tank. Argento is either not trying, dead and involved in some sort of Weekend At Bernie's-type scheme, or broke from his daughter Asia draining his bank account for cocaine and abortion money. This film is a mess, and is so devoid of Argento's trademark visual style it could just as easily be an ad for a used car dealership on a TV station in Pembroke, Ontario. A film student stumbles upon a murder, and takes it upon himself to solve it, with all the investigative skills of Shaggy from Scooby-Doo. But here's the thing! No one will believe him! Not even his girlfriend! Not even the video store clerk who couldn't more clearly be a killer if he had chunks of 9-year old girl hanging from his teeth! He would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for that meddling kid!
Not only are the effects awful, they're not even present. This is an Italian horror film from an acknowledged master, and 2 people die in the whole fucking thing. Considering that much of the screen time is spent repeating actions endlessly to fill time, like falling off and then getting back on a bike during a thrilling moped/foot chase scene, one would think they'd have time to shoehorn in at least one more gory death. Instead, there's a lot of poorly dubbed dialogue, and acting that wouldn't impress a housewife hooked on General Hospital. This film represents the longest fall from grace since Gabrielle Carmouche fell from Cosby Show guest-stardom and landed on a black man's engorged penis. Except instead of Argento landing on a dick, he fell on a Hitchcock. And while you’re not laughing at that joke, just be thankful you’re also not watching this movie.