Monday, February 05, 2007

Golden Statue, Golden Opportunity.

USA, 2005
Duncan Tucker

The transgendered community has long been mis-represented in film, despite the success of the long-running Chicks With Dicks series. Thankfully, writer-director Duncan Tucker and actress Felicity Huffman, join famous transsexuals Jamie Lee Curtis, Jessica Biel, and Orlando Bloom in the chorus of voices clamoring for mainstream acceptance. Unfortunately, all of these voices are a disconcerting mix of gruffness and a mellifluous lilt, like a brook babbling over a bone file, or a Cannibal Corpse love song. They make me uncomfortably erect, which incidentally seems to be the basic premise of this movie.

Transamerica stars Huffman as a pre-operative transsexual who discovers, the week before she/he's to make the transition from asexual freak to ugly, ugly woman, that she/he has a son. This son, played by Kevin Zegers, is a drug-addicted hustler looking to start a pornographic film career in Los Angeles, which, coincidentally, is exactly where Huffman needs to go for her operation. The road trip that follows is funny without being crass, realistic without being quirky, and gently arousing without being explicit, because you know the whole thing is leading up to Zegers trying to dick his own Mom-Dad.

And the Golden Shower goes to...

Huffman is great as the trannie, probably because she's spent most of her life being mistaken for one. Doesn't matter. I'd still fuck him/her, but only because she/he's probably so rich from Desperate Housewives that she/he would pay me off not to describe his/her genitals on Defamer. Essentially, Transamerica is a road movie, and the story does tend to wander, as do most road trips. But her Huffman’s performance is great, though the Oscar nomination she received doesn’t mean much. Often, Oscars are given out for actors being 'brave', which means playing either a fag or a retard. In my quest to get my own golden statuette, I'm writing and directing my own feature length film, a period piece about a gay retard trying to find love in, oh, let's say 15th century Spain. That should guarantee a couple of Costume Design Oscars as well as the inevitable Best Actor trophy. Also, the main character will retreat into some variety of bizarre fantasy land, where all the backgrounds are based on Hieronymus Bosch paintings or something, and his best friend is a CGI pixie, to get the special effects guys theirs, as well. Oh, and an older British actress will get like a 3 minute cameo as Queen Isabella, or the madam at a bordello, to get her a Supporting Actress nomination. As for me, I probably won't get an award myself, as the film won't be about the Holocaust, but I'll get the satisfaction of helping others, spreading the wealth, and further advancing the cause of gay retardation. I figure I should get Nobel Peace Prize out of that one.



Anonymous Michael Korvac said...

"Often, Oscars are given out for actors being 'brave', which means playing either a fag or a retard."

They could also get the nod for playing a serial killer.

Which am for gay.

4:31 p.m.  
Blogger Fatman said...

I remember people kept saying Tom Cruise* was being 'brave' in Michael Mann's Collateral(2004) just because he played a gay, retarded serial killer who was also a midget. Or maybe he just played a killer and just happened to be gay and retarded and a midget. Point is: he wasn't brave and the movie was mediocre. I think movies like Happiness (Todd Solondz, is that his real name?, 1998) are brave because they try to make pedophilia funny. Because it is and its high time everyone accepted it.

* I'm aware he's a soft target these days, like Arabs, but I can mock him without fear of reprisals from the cool kids.

9:37 p.m.  
Blogger CHRISTPHER said...

I am not sure if Todd Solondz, is his real name but, if you rearrange the letters you can get Toddz Solond! It's to you now, micheal korvac; can you handle my skills?

2:06 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

When I got to New York, the first bit of high-brow culture I was introduced to was the Public Access channel - at least, that's what I think I was being shown. Evidently, it's exactly like the Home Shopping channel, except instead of ads for shoelace retainers, you get 10 minute infomercials for the ugliest She-Males I've ever seen. OK, the only She-Males I've ever seen. I don't know what me think of that, but I sure wish I hadn't.

2:39 a.m.  
Anonymous Michael Korvac said...


3:29 a.m.  
Blogger CHRISTPHER said...

Oh. I guess serial killers watch The Simpsons too. Until we meet again!

12:28 a.m.  
Blogger batturtle said...

I always had suspisions that you were into the cross-dressing.

12:37 a.m.  
Blogger Talya said...

Hey hey! I thought you had stopped blogging!

4:51 p.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Nope. People just stopped reading.

7:57 p.m.  

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