Monday, February 19, 2007

Here But For The Grace of God Go You

Ultraviolet
2006, USA
Kurt Wimmer
DVD

It's not everyday you run across something this dumb. Unless you work in an American Apparel store, in which case you deal with that every day. But this is a different kind of dumb. This is a colossal stupid, not just the kind of dumb that thinks paying an extra $10 for a shirt is worth it if it's made by sexually abused white Californians instead of physically abused yellow children. This is the kind of dumb that wears either a hockey helmet or a Looney Tunes sweatshirt to high school. This is the kind of dumb that Tivos episodes of VIP. This is the kind of dumb that argues the merits of Terminator sequels, and likes Aliens better than Alien. This is clinically retarded.

Undercover at a screening of Ghost Rider.



And yet, Ultraviolet is one of the most beautiful films you'll ever see. Art directed, costumed, and set-decorated nearly to death, it feels as if all the money was spent on the look of the film, with the script cobbled together from Choose Your Own Adventure books. In a future world where science is so advanced it appears to exist for no other purpose other than to look cool, a disease is ravaging the population. Dubbed hemophagia, the disease is blood-born, and transforms its victims into people who have exactly balanced the number of times they've seen Interview With The Vampire with screenings of Akira. Milla Jovovich is infected, and spends most of the movie fighting the health department, which is something I'm quite familiar with after trying to establish my provincial residency. However, Jovovich has a more direct way of going about it, rather than waiting on hold for 92 minutes. She uses swords, which makes about as much sense as churning your own butter in the future. Why are they fighting with medieval weapons and kung-fu? I know there's nothing brain damaged frat boys and Special Needs students on a field trip like to see more in a movie than a hot chick flipping around like Jet Li
with tits, but it's pretty hard to roundhouse kick a bullet, unless you're making a bad Chuck Norris joke. And when they do use guns, the bad guys in this movie don't really have an understanding of how they work. I'm no sniper, but I understand that in order to shoot someone, one does not need to have 20 men armed with handguns, standing 2 feet away from their target, arranged in a circle, essentially pointing the guns at each other. Also, their body armor is made of glass.

I'm actually getting upset writing about this movie. My IQ is dropping, and I hate myself a little bit for bothering to see it, let alone complain about it. It's weird that Ultraviolet would be triggering thoughts of suicide, more so than the poetry of Rimbaud and the music of Take That combined. I have no skill whatsoever with the opposite sex, no friends, and less money than most panhandlers, and yet the only thing that makes me want to die of a pill overdose while soaking in a bathtub and drinking my own blood from a glass half filled with red wine is this stupid piece of shit. It's a mystery that bears investigation, but I'll have to leave that to the detectives examining my suicide. And I hope that my death will serve as a warning to others, who think themselves strong enough to walk the path that the retarded tread, the one that leads from the Head shop, down by the bowling alley, and into a video store to rent Ultraviolet.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Excellent review. Insightful, to the point, and passionate.

3:03 PM  
Blogger Squish said...

Man, this is why you're a Blogger God

3:04 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Thank you very much. Uh, you guys are reading the reviews, though, right? Because no one has ever referred to me as insightful before.

3:34 PM  
Anonymous Tony Danza said...

Your best review/opinion piece yet! Tony like!

11:46 PM  
Blogger batturtle said...

As someone who just bought Ultraviolet on DVD a couple days ago, I must point out that you are wrong once again. Why does she use medieval weapons and kung-fu against futuristic guns? Because they are the awesome. That's why. Who are you to take away from poeple's enjoyment in watching a hot babe kick some ass?

Oh...and Aliens is better than Alien.

And the Misfits were better after Danzig left.

5:37 PM  
Blogger Samuel said...

Wow, I really need to see this now.

3:29 AM  
Blogger Victor said...

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1:10 PM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Victor, that might just be the most perceptive comment I've read on here in ages.

4:57 PM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I thought you were dead.

And batturtle, I hate you.

5:00 PM  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

I am. But I'm back for the sequel.

Where are the rest of the irregulars?

9:15 AM  
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6:06 AM  
Anonymous desktop precurser (synaptic) said...

isn`t it scary to realise that at 33 milla jovovich is already 15 years past the peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability.

4:28 AM  

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