Thursday, March 08, 2007

God Save The Cock Ring.

Children of Men
2006, USA/UK
Alfonso Cuaron
35mm

Clive Owen needs to shave. Every film I've seen him in, he seems intent on redefining "rugged good looks" as "hobo on a three day drunk", and Children of Men is no exception. Here, Owen and his stubble play a disillusioned ex-radical working an office job in an apocalyptic Britain. The human race has lost the ability to conceive children, and in the dying throes of civilization, England is the only country left standing. However, it's standing on shaky legs, degenerating into chaos and anarchy under a fascist, racist government, sort of like Mad Max meets Mein Kampf meets my wet, immigrant-free dreams.


Apparently, Mad Max has already met Mein Kampf.


In the Britain of the future, things have gotten so bad there is apparently only one camera and no tripods left in the whole country, so Children of Men looks like cell phone footage shot while running through an industrial district. That certainly helps to heighten the tension, since we never know when the characters, or even the camera, might have to stop and send a text message through AIM. Gritty and realistic, Children of Men excels because it's relevant, realistic, and exciting. Touching on issues such as terrorism, xenophobia, and the Patriot Act, the film's futuristic setting doesn't make it any less timely, and the documentary feel, tense script, and engrossing performances help to make the film among the most gripping you'll see all year.



But that's not what concerns me. What concerns me is the insistence the Britain will somehow forever be the last bastion of humanity come the end of the world, the lighthouse in an apocalyptic storm. Judging from films like this and V For Vendetta, England is apparently capable of surviving any number of destructive cataclysms, based entirely upon the sheer strength of their haughty elitism. I guess since they don't breathe the same air us commoners do, they get spared whatever destruction is rained upon the rest of the world. Listen, England, I know you guys were pretty good sailors 2 hundred years ago, but aside from Patrick O'Brien, nobody gives a fuck anymore. Once, the sun never set on the British Empire. Now, the sun never sets on a computer programmer doing a Monty Python routine, or an international version of one of their shitty reality TV shows and that’s ALL YOU HAVE LEFT! You barely even have food over there, and what there is smells like it emigrated from India in the 1960s. For all your airs, you'd think every woman over there was the Queen of England, not some gap-toothed provincial with an accent like a fishmonger in Whitechapel, and all the men are all a lace handkerchief and a frilly collar away from getting sodomized by Lord Byron. I think the problem with infertility in this movie may not be barren wombs, but rather infectious homosexuality, because I've never heard a British accent that didn't sound like regular English navigating its way around a mouthful of cock. Plus, the Brits seem intent on exporting as much gay as possible through their incessantly queer indie bands. Babyshambles? That's supposed to be punk? Then why does it sound like the Smiths with late-stage HIV? Actually, they don't sound like anything, because I refuse to listen to anything where the guitars chimes his guitar instead of strumming it because his wrists are too limp. So, I think that when the end of the world comes, I'll avoid running off to Merry Old England to pop E and listen to ripped-off Stone Roses riffs. I'll just stay in North America and die. At least the soundtrack will be better.

Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.

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5 Comments:

Anonymous Rin said...

Michael Caine is a massive cunt. Everyone in that film is an awful actor. I've never seen a single film where the English has been even remotely portrayed correctly. But I guess we deserve to be portrayed like cunts.

9:10 AM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

Children of Men was probably my favorite movie of 2006. I was kind of pissed it got shut out at the Oscars, but whatever.

My Review.

5:17 PM  
Anonymous mike said...

nope, in 28days later england is the only country converting into zombieville

8:51 AM  
Blogger batturtle said...

At least they supply us with good comic book writers.

2:43 AM  
Anonymous the snivelling dauphin said...

batturtle, why cant you accept that everything british is rubbish by definition specifically because its british, england is a load of old rubbish and has never done anything good for anyone or anything, you must understand that british comic book writers and the british film industry and indeed everything british is garbage that must be destroyed and wiped out with malice-a-fore-thought and extreme prejudice. IF BRITAIN IS REMEMBERED AT ALL IN THE HISTORY BOOKS A THOUSAND YEARS FROM NOW IT WILL BE AS THE MOST HIDEOUS ABOMINATION IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND. And batturtle if i read any other comments you`ve made praising britain or anything british i`m going to be very angry with you !!!, YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!.

7:51 AM  

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