Monday, March 12, 2007

The Worst Nautical Disaster Since Titanic Won The Oscar.

Poseidon
2006, USA
Wolfgang Peterson
DVD

In this remake of 1972’s The Poseidon Adventure, a luxury cruise liner is capsized by a rogue wave, drowning most of the passengers, crew, and apparently the screenwriter right in the middle of his first draft. If I were to guess, I would say that he died with an outline, four scenes, and some sketches of at least three characters complete. After his untimely demise, probably as a result of either a flash fire from the ship's galleys or a computer generated fall down an elevator shaft, the script was probably taken over by one of the animators in charge of the CGI wave effects, clearly under the impression that since he works on computers, he can probably type fairly quickly and finish up the script before shooting ends.

How to save a drowning screenwriter. Provided you want to see Poseidon 2.

And finish up quickly the film does, like a bad one-night stand, racing from idiotic situation to improbable resolution so fast I barely had time to throw anything at the screen before the end credits ran. It was like dropping cinderblocks off the overpass into traffic; you have to time it just right if want to brain the shithead in the Cadillac Escalade right through the windshield. Sadly, I didn't hit the TV in time, and I had to watch this film go from a dumb action movie to a cataclysmic failure right before my eyes. Poseidon stars a host of talented actors, from Richard Dreyfuss to Josh Lucas, and even throws in Kurt Russell in case you want to bring your father along, but nothing, nothing, can save it from a fully retarded script. What makes it worse, is that some interesting plot points and ideas are brought up, only to be dropped in favor of another explosion, one that destroys not only part of the ship, but most of the laws of physics and all of my patience. No one in this movie is even trying to make a good film. It looks good, to be sure, but no effort whatsoever has been put into making this anything more than a frustrating exercise in rote action. Poseidon is like watching an obstacle course being completed by the retarded, with our only pleasure coming from them bumping their heads on the covered slide, or slipping on the tire field. Granted, these retards are prettier than most, their eyes properly spaced and their foreheads only mildly sloped, but they still muck around and bumble, saved by a combination of divine providence, deux ex machina, and lazy screenwriting.


Kurt Russell is an ex-firefighter on the cruise with his daughter and her boyfriend, Richard Dreyfuss is a aged gay man suffering from a broken heart and a cheap stereotype, and Josh Lucas is a professional gambler with a knowledge of the ship so precise I wouldn’t be surprised if he were the poor sap hired to finish off the script. Together with some expendable bodies and a cute kid to tug at heartstrings when the violin score isn't cutting it, they navigate through fire, water, and air to make it off the ship alive. And not only do they live through that, they dodged my cinderblock, as well.

Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.

6 Comments:

Blogger Bobo the Wandering Pallbearer said...

Next time, call me. I'll stand on the other side of the bridge and spot for you.

2:55 PM  
Blogger Sam Kahn said...

I'm glad I decided to skip this movie.

3:24 AM  
Blogger Squish said...

Wait wait wait, why in the name iof god did you watch this? it took me about 8 seconds of the trailer to say, "Yeah right". Duh. Watch Robot Monster again and get over it. You shouldn've known better. and smite that gert dude for his intrusive caca

9:25 AM  
Blogger Fatman said...

Ash watches films he doesn't think he'll like just so he can take the piss out of it on his blog. Every once in a while he'll slip in a positive film review but then his readers accuse him of being 'soft' and a homosexual.

1:17 AM  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

I watched Poseidon because we were trying to watch every single film nominated for an Oscar this year, and it got the nod for special effects. It's not my fault it sucks.

12:07 PM  
Anonymous the sayer of the truth said...

O.K. maybe this film wasn`t that great, (although the special effects were quite magnificent), but its important to remember that "POSEIDON" by itself is still better than everything that has ever been produced by the british film industry put together in the last 100 years !!!, "DESTROY THE BRITISH FILM INDUSTRY NOW, WITH MALICE-A-FORE-THOUGHT AND EXTREME PREJUDICE".

3:32 PM  

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