An Opiate for the Mongoloid Masses.
Mark Steven Johnson
I don't know why I'm surprised that Ghost Rider is a bad movie. It's a bad comic, so an adaptation is like trying to spin straw into gold, or more accurately, trying to spin a puerile pre-adolescent fantasy into something the whole hillbilly family can enjoy. And that's exactly what has happened here. It's as if the wet dream of every glue-sniffing tween too brain damaged to ever have an erection again has taken form on celluloid, all motorcycles and skulls and fire and chains. This whole movie is the paint job on a hot-rod, a decal on a monster truck, a drawing made during free time at a mental hospital for the severely retarded. In fact, that last comparison is the most accurate, for the following reasons:
1) Ghost Rider contains no sex. This is because the retarded have no sex drive. Firstly, they're too medicated to move most of the time, and secondly, they've deliberately not been taught anything about sex. It's mainly a preventative measure, since no one wants them to breed, and also because everyone knows that retards have the
strength of 10 men, so any copulation with anything but a chimpanzee or an elephant would result in the ejaculation breaking the spine of the poor victim. I mean partner.
When they breed, they make wrestling fans.
2) Ghost Rider contains no plot, or at least no plot that makes sense. That's because retards don't want to see things happen. They want to see things explode. Also, they like bright and shiny things, like chrome, and red. That's why Michael Bay keeps making movies, and the American Idol sets are all in primary colors.
3) Ghost Rider contains no dialogue, only explanation. This is because the retarded don't need to know why things are happening; they need to know what is happening. So, anything anybody ever says in this entire film is dedicated to a) explaining who they are, and b) explaining what is happening on screen. Lots of "I am Blackheart, a demon", and "We are fighting".
So, I can't really fault Ghost Rider, which stars Nicholas Cage as a daredevil who sells his soul to Peter Fonda, because it’s helping to keep the retards pacified. In case you’re wondering, the film is Faust for Dummies. In exchange for his father's life, Cage, as Johnny Blaze, is cursed to walk the Earth as the Ghost Rider, a vengeful spirit who punishes the wicked. I don't really understand why this is something the devil would want to do, but hey, I'm not retarded.
Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.