Friday, April 13, 2007

Sympathy For The Retarded Coat Hangers Of The Fashion Industry

The Devil Wears Prada
2006, USA
David Frankel

I think I'm done with the fashion industry. I know that may not come as a surprise to anyone who has ever seen me in person, with my stylish look mixing James Dean, homeless couture, and Evil Ernie, but what I'm trying to say is that I’m more than just rejecting baroque and meaningless excess of the fashion industry. No, I've been done with that for years. What I meant is that I'm done making fun of it, because that just brings every useless coke-sniffing twat involved in the industry more attention. Fashion isn't important. We all know it isn't important. It's a bunch of flamboyant poofs with no marketable skills crudely stitching garish fabrics together to drape over skeletal drug addicts with the same level of self-importance a scientist would have cloning Jesus. Then, fashion writers seeking to justify their paychecks arbitrarily pick which laughable vinyl atrocity is the trendsetter of the season, and which is a wearable version of an inflatable pool. The models, of course, are paid to walk a straight line and try not to get too pregnant. They are all, obviously, various incarnations of The Great Satan Paris Hilton, talentless and unbearably rich, hellish spawn that number legion, and in The Devil Wears Prada , Meryl Streep fulfills this role to a T, or more accurately, to an inverted cross.

Meryl Streep .

Anne Hathaway plays every girl in every teen movie where a studious young lady in frumpy clothes falls in with the hip crowd and takes off her glasses. Except in this movie she's a college graduate working at Vogue, or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Meryl Streep is Lucifer, offering fame, fortune, and purses in exchange for learning how to stare down your coke nose at the girl working the counter at Starbucks. But I'm getting ahead of myself, already abandoning my vow to ignore the fashion industry. Instead, let's just focus on Streep's Oscar nominated performance as the Devil. Her muted, soft-spoken but ludicrously unreasonable demands toe the line between pure evil and paste-eating psychosis. And her smooth, seemingly paralyzed features present an agelessness that speaks less to botox than it does to a portrait hanging in her mansion which ages instead of her. Her black wings are leathery yet supple, and her enormous curled horns have been delicately arranged to be elegant with just the slightest touch of spontaneity. Her performance dwarfs those of her co-stars, partially because of its subtlety and reserve, but mainly because at 12 feet of winged glory, she literally towers over the other actors. Her forked tongue slithers and darts about like an eyeless black snake, and her eyes brim with sulfurous fire, pits of glowing darkness that reflect the majesty of infernal power. The heat from her internalized flame sublimates the cracked and blackened hide that covers her ebony bones, reducing it to clouds of black smoke that almost instantly coalesce back into thick skin covered in razor sharp bristles. While this description of Streep's character may have lost its grip on verisimilitude a while back, it's as distracting as her performance was, standing out from the mediocrity of the film like Mozart at the keyboards of a Yes concert. But most importantly, it keeps me from making jokes about the fashion industry.

Underage? Read a PG-13 review at The Comic Book Bin. Then come over to my house and let me watch you touch yourself. Girls and effeminate boys only need apply.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Spot on. You should be getting paid for this.

3:01 p.m.  
Blogger Squish said...

As if you watched this. Did you lose a bet or did you start dating flaming homosexuals?

2:10 p.m.  
Blogger Jerk Of All Trades 2.0 said...

Ash, what did you think of Grindhouse?

12:09 p.m.  
Blogger batturtle said...

The Devil is actually in this thing? Geez...I thought that using the word 'Devil' was just a metephor or a simile or a verb or something in reference towards that Streep was mean.

11:12 p.m.  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ash, did you see any of these and what do you think?

- In the mood for love
- Naked
- Paths of glory
- Howards End
- Days of heaven
- The man without a past

6:29 a.m.  
Blogger Randolph said...

The metaphor has fallen out of style ever since Gibson made a shit load of money with the literal portrayal of Jesus in The Passion. "Snakes on a Plane" just put another nail in the coffin.

6:35 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

Oh, c'mon people. Ash doesn't speak to anyone that doesn't bring him porn.

(Hey Ash, what did you think of Marie Antoinette?)

9:43 a.m.  
Blogger Ash Karreau said...

Anonymous - You're very right. Email me and I'll tell you where to send the cheques.

Squish - I thought if I watched a movie about fashion, I might be able to get a date I don't have to pay for.

Jerk - I don't know. I didn't see it yet. I imagine it will probably annoy me.

Batturtle - Nope. It stars Al Pacino and a lot of cocaine.

Anonymous 2 -

1) Great.
2) Gay. But great.
3) Great.
4) Started watching it in 1999. Still hasn't ended.
5) Great. Best of the lot.
6) Don't believe in Finland.

Randolph - Very true. Titles are going the way of porno flicks: literal. Gone are the days of "The Sperminator" and "On Golden Blonde", replaced by "Internal Cumshots #4", and "Strip Tease Then Fuck"

Broadzilla - This is what I think.

11:05 a.m.  
Blogger Fatman said...

Ash- I couldn't tell if you were describing Meryl Streep the person or the character she portrays.

2:48 a.m.  
Anonymous broadzilla said...

That went better than I anticipated.

Thanks, but I wasn't really intending to read a... see the movie - I'm not big on period dramas. Unless you count The Body Snatcher and everything Cassandra Peterson has ever done.

4:58 a.m.  
Anonymous OTIS HETEROSEXUAL said...

THIS IS JUST A T.V. MOVIE IT HAS NO CINEMATIC POWER WHAT-SO-EVER, I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY T.V. MOVIE`S ARE SHOWN IN CINEMA`S, "WHAT`S THE BLOODY POINT !!!???. (by the way, i want to bugger the young girl in this film, but i`ve forgotten her sodding name).

3:11 p.m.  
Anonymous Sven said...

Good Job! :)

4:16 a.m.  
Anonymous sven also said...

mr karreau, you are, are you not, so to speak, if you will, as it were, "A BLOODY DIRTY WOOFTER", however, even though i am murderously homo-phobic i have to admit your reveiws are quite brilliant, (BUT YOU`RE STILL A DIRTY SODDING FAIRY).

4:10 p.m.  

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