A Trip Through Time, Space, And Rehab.
The original cut of Donnie Darko is a dreamy, unsettling, masterpiece of poetic science fiction. The director's cut, on the other hand, is long. That's probably the only thing I can say about it. If you've got enough drugs running through your system, or at least drifting about in the fluid of your spinal column, this movie will be the greatest thing since the stash can and the coke spoon. If, however, you're like me, and have about as much patience for indulgent club-kid trip-outs as you do for waiting on hold to the best of Aqua, this film will be about as palatable as Go, except much, much slower. Jake Gyllenhaal plays Darko, a mental disturbed teen who narrowly escapes death and then becomes convinced he's living in a parallel universe, a blip in the space-time continuum. In order to set things right and save Jena Malone's life, he must hallucinate a lot of those water things from The Abyss, pose his head like Pyle from Full Metal Jacket, and kill a guy in bunny suit. Don't worry, this all makes sense if you've gone retarded from chemicals, and it's way better than reading a book. It joins the ranks of other important films in drug culture, and shines as one of the jewels of the paper Burger King crown of trashy cinema.
1) Trainspotting. A fantastic film, exhilarating and fresh, that suffers only slightly from the fact that its only purpose seems to be to get ravers hooked on smack.
2) Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory. Children's movies + LSD = annoying Marilyn Manson fans.
3) Spun. Fuck you. I could cut a single frame from a bunch of NFB documentaries and shake them in a bag full of splicing tape and make a better movie than this piece of shit seizure. Sure, it's directed by one of the old percussionists from Bathory, but he edits like drummers do blast beats, and makes drug use look like watching music videos on fast forward.
4) Requiem For A Dream. This is like the Reefer Madness for the 90s, teaching the viewer that if you do drugs, your arm will fall off, or you'll get fucked in the ass with a dildo while the entire board of directors for Nortel watches.
5) Dazed and Confused. A great film ruined by a retarded audience. I shudder to think of the nuances of Richard Linklater's drowsy film lost in a haze of pot smoke in rep theatres, the sound lost in the crackling of burning Royal Blunt papers and the snitching of bugs crawling through matted dreadlocks. It's like playing Mozart at an after-hours club, or reading Dante to women.
Still, Donnie Darko is a great film. Or rather, was a great film, until Richard Kelly got his hands on it again. The morning after watching the director's cut, all I'm left with is a bad headache, a 2-hour chunk of missing time. And I didn’t even get to take any Ketamine.
Labels: conservative bluster